Q. What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
A. The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.
Q. Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants?
A. They've had so little use.
Q. Why is a conductor like a condom?
A. It's safer with one, but more fun without.
Q. What's the difference between God and a conductor?
A. God knows He's not a conductor.
Q. What's the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?
A. The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.
Q. What's a bassoon good for?
A. Kindling for an accordion fire.
Q. How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
A. Give him some sheet music.
Q. What's a guy that hangs out with musicians called?
A. A drummer.
Q. How can you tell when a drummer is sitting up straight?
A. He dribbles out of both sides of his mouth!
Q. What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
A. You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
Q. Why is a drum machine better than a drummer?
A. Because it can keep a steady beat and won't sleep with your girlfriend.
Q. How can you tell when a drummer's at the door?
A. He doesn't know when to come in.
Q. What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?
A. "Hey, guys - why don't we try one of my songs? ..."
Q. How do you get two piccolo players to play in unison?
A. Shoot one.
Q. What is the range of a piccolo?
A. Oh, about twenty yards on a good day.
Q. What is the definition of perfect pitch in a piccolo?
A. When you throw it in the toilet and it doesn't hit the rim.
Q. What's the difference between a pizza and a drummer?
A. A pizza can feed a family of four.
Q. If a drummer and a bass guitarist caught a cab, which one would be the musician?
A. The cab driver.
Q. Why are so many violists dating drummers?
A. It makes them feel superior.
Q. What's the difference between a sax player and a lawn mower?
A. One cuts grass and the other smokes it.
Q. What would you do if you had all the bagpipe players on earth lined up end-to-end to the moon and back?
A. Leave them there.
Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.
Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
A. Someone is blowing into it.
Q. Which is better: electric guitar or harmonica?
A. Electric guitar. You can't beat a harmonica player to death with a harmonica.
Q. What do violists and Mike Tyson have in common?
A. They both are hard on ears.
Q. Why is intermission only 20 minutes long?
A. So that the cellists don't have to be retrained.
Q. Why are harps like elderly parents?
A. They're both unforgiving and hard to get in and out of cars.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
LA - LZ JOKES
Murphy's laws of combat operations...
1. Friendly fire - isn't.
2. Recoilless rifles - aren't.
3. Suppressive fires - won't.
4. You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.
5. A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.
6. If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.
7. Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.
8. If at first you don't succeed, call in an air strike.
9. If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.
10. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
11. Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.
12. Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
13. If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.
14. The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.
15. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: when they're ready; when you're not.
16. No OPLAN ever survives initial contact.
17. There is no such thing as a perfect plan.
18. Five second fuses always burn three seconds.
19. There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
20. A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.
21. The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.
22. The easy way is always mined.
23. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.
24. Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets.
25. Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.
26. If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.
27. When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.
28. Incoming fire has the right of way.
29. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
30. No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.
31. If the enemy is within range, so are you.
32. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
33. Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't.
34. Things that must work together, can't be carried to the field that way.
35. Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support. (Corollary: Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both.)
36. Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.
37. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out.
38. Tracers work both ways.
39. If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.
40. When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right.
41. Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.
43. Military Intelligence is a contradiction.
44. Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up.
46. Weather ain't neutral.
47. If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.
48. Air defence motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground.
49. 'Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it'll go.
50. The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue.
51. Napalm is an area support weapon.
52. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
53. B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.
54. Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone.
55. Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity.
56. The one item you need is always in short supply.
57. Interchangeable parts aren't.
58. It's not the one with your name on it; it's the one addressed "to whom it may concern" you've got to think about.
59. When in doubt, empty your magazine.
60. The side with the simplest uniforms wins.
61. Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.
62. If the Platoon Sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
63. Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep.
64. The most dangerous thing in the world is a Second Lieutenant with a map and a compass.
65. Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan.
66. Everything always works in your HQ, everything always fails in the Colonel's HQ.
67. The enemy never watches until you make a mistake.
68. One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many.
69. A clean (and dry) set of BDU's is a magnet for mud and rain.
70. The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.
71. Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low on ammo, you can't hit the broad side of a barn.
71. The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired.
72. The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the
weapon's operator.
73. Field experience is something you don't get until just after y u need it.
74. No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.
75. If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove anything.
76. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. (in boot camp)
77. Air strikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short.
78. When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the most important ones are always illegible.
79. Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up KIA or WIA.
80. The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don't know what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want.
81. To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.
82. The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is the M60.
83. The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that billet is filled by someone else.
84. When you have sufficient supplies ammo, the enemy takes 2 weeks to attack. When you are low on supplies ammo the enemy decides to attack that night.
85. The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the Medal of Honour.
86. A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
87. Murphy was a grunt.
88. Beer Math --> 2 beers times 37 men equals 49 cases.
89. Body count Math --> 3 guerrillas plus 1 probable plus 2 pigs equals 37 enemies killed in action.
90. The bursting radius of a hand grenade is always one foot greater than your jumping range.
91. All-weather close air support doesn't work in bad weather.
92. The combat worth of a unit is inversely proportional to the smartness of its outfit and appearance.
93. The crucial round is a dud.
94. Every command which can be misunderstood, will be.
95. There is no such place as a convenient foxhole.
96. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
97. If your positions are firmly set and you are prepared to take the enemy assault on, he will bypass you.
98. If your ambush is properly set, the enemy won't walk into it.
99. If your flank march is going well, the enemy expects you to outflank him.
100. Density of fire increases proportionally to the curiousness of the target.
101. Odd objects attract fire - never lurk behind one.
102. The more stupid the leader is, the more important missions he is ordered to carry out.
103. The self-importance of a superior is inversely proportional to his position in the hierarchy (as is his deviousness and mischievousness).
104. There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.
105. Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the General is watching.
106. The enemy never monitors your radio frequency until you broadcast on an unsecured channel.
107. Whenever you drop your equipment in a fire-fight, your ammo and grenades always fall the farthest away, and your canteen always lands at your feet.
108. As soon as you are served hot chow in the field, it rains.
109. Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.
110. The seriousness of a wound (in a fire-fight) is inversely proportional to the distance to any form of cover.
111. Walking point = sniper bait.
112. Your bivouac for the night is the spot where you got tired of marching that day.
113. If only one solution can be found for a field problem, then it is usually a stupid solution.
114. All or any of the above combined.
1. Friendly fire - isn't.
2. Recoilless rifles - aren't.
3. Suppressive fires - won't.
4. You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.
5. A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.
6. If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.
7. Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.
8. If at first you don't succeed, call in an air strike.
9. If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.
10. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
11. Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.
12. Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
13. If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.
14. The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.
15. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: when they're ready; when you're not.
16. No OPLAN ever survives initial contact.
17. There is no such thing as a perfect plan.
18. Five second fuses always burn three seconds.
19. There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
20. A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.
21. The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.
22. The easy way is always mined.
23. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.
24. Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets.
25. Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.
26. If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.
27. When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.
28. Incoming fire has the right of way.
29. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
30. No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.
31. If the enemy is within range, so are you.
32. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
33. Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't.
34. Things that must work together, can't be carried to the field that way.
35. Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support. (Corollary: Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both.)
36. Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.
37. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out.
38. Tracers work both ways.
39. If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.
40. When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right.
41. Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.
43. Military Intelligence is a contradiction.
44. Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up.
46. Weather ain't neutral.
47. If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.
48. Air defence motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground.
49. 'Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it'll go.
50. The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue.
51. Napalm is an area support weapon.
52. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
53. B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.
54. Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone.
55. Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity.
56. The one item you need is always in short supply.
57. Interchangeable parts aren't.
58. It's not the one with your name on it; it's the one addressed "to whom it may concern" you've got to think about.
59. When in doubt, empty your magazine.
60. The side with the simplest uniforms wins.
61. Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.
62. If the Platoon Sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
63. Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep.
64. The most dangerous thing in the world is a Second Lieutenant with a map and a compass.
65. Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan.
66. Everything always works in your HQ, everything always fails in the Colonel's HQ.
67. The enemy never watches until you make a mistake.
68. One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many.
69. A clean (and dry) set of BDU's is a magnet for mud and rain.
70. The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.
71. Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low on ammo, you can't hit the broad side of a barn.
71. The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired.
72. The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the
weapon's operator.
73. Field experience is something you don't get until just after y u need it.
74. No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.
75. If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove anything.
76. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. (in boot camp)
77. Air strikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short.
78. When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the most important ones are always illegible.
79. Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up KIA or WIA.
80. The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don't know what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want.
81. To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.
82. The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is the M60.
83. The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that billet is filled by someone else.
84. When you have sufficient supplies ammo, the enemy takes 2 weeks to attack. When you are low on supplies ammo the enemy decides to attack that night.
85. The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the Medal of Honour.
86. A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
87. Murphy was a grunt.
88. Beer Math --> 2 beers times 37 men equals 49 cases.
89. Body count Math --> 3 guerrillas plus 1 probable plus 2 pigs equals 37 enemies killed in action.
90. The bursting radius of a hand grenade is always one foot greater than your jumping range.
91. All-weather close air support doesn't work in bad weather.
92. The combat worth of a unit is inversely proportional to the smartness of its outfit and appearance.
93. The crucial round is a dud.
94. Every command which can be misunderstood, will be.
95. There is no such place as a convenient foxhole.
96. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
97. If your positions are firmly set and you are prepared to take the enemy assault on, he will bypass you.
98. If your ambush is properly set, the enemy won't walk into it.
99. If your flank march is going well, the enemy expects you to outflank him.
100. Density of fire increases proportionally to the curiousness of the target.
101. Odd objects attract fire - never lurk behind one.
102. The more stupid the leader is, the more important missions he is ordered to carry out.
103. The self-importance of a superior is inversely proportional to his position in the hierarchy (as is his deviousness and mischievousness).
104. There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.
105. Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the General is watching.
106. The enemy never monitors your radio frequency until you broadcast on an unsecured channel.
107. Whenever you drop your equipment in a fire-fight, your ammo and grenades always fall the farthest away, and your canteen always lands at your feet.
108. As soon as you are served hot chow in the field, it rains.
109. Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.
110. The seriousness of a wound (in a fire-fight) is inversely proportional to the distance to any form of cover.
111. Walking point = sniper bait.
112. Your bivouac for the night is the spot where you got tired of marching that day.
113. If only one solution can be found for a field problem, then it is usually a stupid solution.
114. All or any of the above combined.
KA - KZ JOKES
So this isn't Home Sweet Home ... Adjust!
Martha Stewart doesn't live here!!
Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!
I clean house every other day. Today is the other day.
If you write in the dust, please don't date it!
I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!
My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!
I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
If you don't like my standards of cooking ...lower your standards.
Although you'll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down, converse. It doesn't always look like this: Some days it's even worse.
A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand!
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
My next house will have no kitchen ... just vending machines.
I'd live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a speed bump.
This guy walks into a bar and sees a lady sitting by herself. He goes over and buys her and drink and they chat a while and he leaves with her to go to her place. They are in the middle of having a good time when he hears a noise at the door and she says "It's my husband home for lunch... quick, hide in the closet!" So he does.
He's standing in the closet when he hears this small voice... "Gee, it's dark in here". He looks around trying to find out where it came from when he hears it again... "Gee, it's dark in here..."
He quickly whispers "Shhhh, who are you?"
The little voice says "That's my mommy and daddy out there, gee, it's dark in here, I'm scared, I'm gonna scream."
The man whispers back "No, PLEASE don't scream. I'll give you five dollars if you don't scream."
The little boy answers "Gee, it's dark in here, I'm pretty scared, I'm gonna scream..."
"I'll give you ten dollars if you don't scream."
"Gee, it's dark in here, I'm REALLY scared, I'm gonna scream..."
The guy says "Look kid, here's FIFTY dollars, it's all I have, don't scream."
"Ok." the kid whispers quietly.
So the guy waits in the closet till he hears the husband finish lunch and as soon as he hears the door close he runs out of the closet and jumps out the window and runs down the street. Later that afternoon, the lady is out shopping with her son at the mall when he sees a bike in the toy store window and says to his mom "Gee, I'd REALLY like that bike."
"Sorry, I can't afford to buy you a bike."
The kid says, "That's ok, I can buy it myself, I have fifty dollars."
She pulls him aside and asks him "WHERE did you get fifty dollars?"
"I'll never tell."
"You BETTER tell me where you got that money."
"I'll never tell."
"You must have done something bad to get that money. I'm taking you to church and you can tell the priest how you got that money in confession." So she does.
The little boy is in the confessional and the door closes and he says "Gee, it's dark in here..."
And the priest answers "Now let's not start THAT shit again..."
Martha Stewart doesn't live here!!
Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!
I clean house every other day. Today is the other day.
If you write in the dust, please don't date it!
I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!
My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!
I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
If you don't like my standards of cooking ...lower your standards.
Although you'll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down, converse. It doesn't always look like this: Some days it's even worse.
A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand!
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
My next house will have no kitchen ... just vending machines.
I'd live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a speed bump.
This guy walks into a bar and sees a lady sitting by herself. He goes over and buys her and drink and they chat a while and he leaves with her to go to her place. They are in the middle of having a good time when he hears a noise at the door and she says "It's my husband home for lunch... quick, hide in the closet!" So he does.
He's standing in the closet when he hears this small voice... "Gee, it's dark in here". He looks around trying to find out where it came from when he hears it again... "Gee, it's dark in here..."
He quickly whispers "Shhhh, who are you?"
The little voice says "That's my mommy and daddy out there, gee, it's dark in here, I'm scared, I'm gonna scream."
The man whispers back "No, PLEASE don't scream. I'll give you five dollars if you don't scream."
The little boy answers "Gee, it's dark in here, I'm pretty scared, I'm gonna scream..."
"I'll give you ten dollars if you don't scream."
"Gee, it's dark in here, I'm REALLY scared, I'm gonna scream..."
The guy says "Look kid, here's FIFTY dollars, it's all I have, don't scream."
"Ok." the kid whispers quietly.
So the guy waits in the closet till he hears the husband finish lunch and as soon as he hears the door close he runs out of the closet and jumps out the window and runs down the street. Later that afternoon, the lady is out shopping with her son at the mall when he sees a bike in the toy store window and says to his mom "Gee, I'd REALLY like that bike."
"Sorry, I can't afford to buy you a bike."
The kid says, "That's ok, I can buy it myself, I have fifty dollars."
She pulls him aside and asks him "WHERE did you get fifty dollars?"
"I'll never tell."
"You BETTER tell me where you got that money."
"I'll never tell."
"You must have done something bad to get that money. I'm taking you to church and you can tell the priest how you got that money in confession." So she does.
The little boy is in the confessional and the door closes and he says "Gee, it's dark in here..."
And the priest answers "Now let's not start THAT shit again..."
JA-JZ JOKES
Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees...
A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.
Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.
Candidate fell and broke arm during interview.
Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewers office.
Candidate explained that her long-term goals was to replace the interviewer.
Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.
Balding Candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a headpiece.
Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.
Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions.
Candidate brought large dog to interview.
Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up.
Candidate dozed off during interview.
The employers were also asked to list the "most unusual" questions that have been asked by job candidates.
"What is it that you people do at this company?"
"What is the company motto?"
"Why aren't you in a more interesting business?"
"What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?"
"Why do you want references?"
"Do I have to dress for the next interview?"
"I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?"
"Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?"
"Will the company pay to relocate my horse?"
"Does your health insurance cover pets?"
"Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time?"
"Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?"
"Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?"
"Why am I here?"
Also included are a number of unusual statement made by candidates during
the interview process...
I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement.
At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking.
I feel uneasy indoors.
Sometimes I feel like smashing things.
Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars.
I think that Lincoln was greater than Washington.
I get excited very easily.
Once a week, I usually feel hot all over.
I am fascinated by fire.
I like tall women.
Whenever a man is with a woman he is usually thinking about sex.
People are always watching me.
If I get too much change in a store, I always give it back.
Almost everyone is guilty of bad sexual conduct.
I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker.
I never get hungry.
I know who is responsible for most of my troubles
If the pay was right, I'd travel with the carnival.
I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me.
My legs are really hairy.
I think I'm going to throw-up.
A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.
Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.
Candidate fell and broke arm during interview.
Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewers office.
Candidate explained that her long-term goals was to replace the interviewer.
Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.
Balding Candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a headpiece.
Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.
Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions.
Candidate brought large dog to interview.
Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up.
Candidate dozed off during interview.
The employers were also asked to list the "most unusual" questions that have been asked by job candidates.
"What is it that you people do at this company?"
"What is the company motto?"
"Why aren't you in a more interesting business?"
"What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?"
"Why do you want references?"
"Do I have to dress for the next interview?"
"I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?"
"Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?"
"Will the company pay to relocate my horse?"
"Does your health insurance cover pets?"
"Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time?"
"Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?"
"Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?"
"Why am I here?"
Also included are a number of unusual statement made by candidates during
the interview process...
I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement.
At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking.
I feel uneasy indoors.
Sometimes I feel like smashing things.
Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars.
I think that Lincoln was greater than Washington.
I get excited very easily.
Once a week, I usually feel hot all over.
I am fascinated by fire.
I like tall women.
Whenever a man is with a woman he is usually thinking about sex.
People are always watching me.
If I get too much change in a store, I always give it back.
Almost everyone is guilty of bad sexual conduct.
I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker.
I never get hungry.
I know who is responsible for most of my troubles
If the pay was right, I'd travel with the carnival.
I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me.
My legs are really hairy.
I think I'm going to throw-up.
IA-IZ JOKES
Thanks to my friends who sent me such important emails in 2004 and 2005. It's so wonderful that you included me in your quest to inform! I'm sure you wish to thank me for the same!
Because of you:
I stopped drinking Coca-Cola after I found out from you that it's good for removing toilet stains. I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS.
I smell awful, but thank goodness I stopped using deodorant because you said it causes cancer. I don't leave my car in any parking lot even though I sometimes have to walk about seven blocks, because you said that someone might drug me with a perfume sample and then try to rob me.
I also stopped answering the phone because you said that they will ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill from hell with calls to Uganda, Singapore, Tokyo and maybe the Mars Rover.
I stopped consuming several foods because you said the estrogen they contain may turn me gay.
I also stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because you told me they are nothing more than horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers that are bred in a lab so that places like McDonalds can sell their Big Macs.
I also stopped drinking anything out of a can - you said that I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.
When I go to parties, I now don't mix with anybody - you said that someone will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.
I donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. That poor sick girl that was about to die in the hospital. Funny thing, she never seems to get any older.
I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I wrote, in anticipation of the $15,000.00 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I participated in their special e-mail program. It's weird, though, that my new free cell phone never arrived, and neither did the passes for my paid vacation to Disneyland.
But I am positive that all this is because of the chain I broke or forgot to follow and I got a curse from hell.
PS: If you don't send this by e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next ten seconds, a bird will shit on you tomorrow at 3:00 PM!
There are many signs you need to watch out for that could mean you are yet another surf junkie addicted to the internet...
You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
You turn off your modem and get this empty feeling, like you just pulled the pin on a loved one.
You start introducing yourself as "Jon at AOL dot com"
Your wife drapes a blonde wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
All of your friends have an @ in their names.
You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
You laugh at people with 14,400 baud modems.
You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
You tell the cab driver you live at http://69.luck.street/house/bluetrim.html
Your spouse makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a commode.
You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :^)
You turn on your computer, and turn off your spouse.
Your best friend is someone you've never met.
Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer, and install a second phone line so you can chat.
You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited."
Your dog has its own home page.
So does your gold fish.
Because of you:
I stopped drinking Coca-Cola after I found out from you that it's good for removing toilet stains. I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS.
I smell awful, but thank goodness I stopped using deodorant because you said it causes cancer. I don't leave my car in any parking lot even though I sometimes have to walk about seven blocks, because you said that someone might drug me with a perfume sample and then try to rob me.
I also stopped answering the phone because you said that they will ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill from hell with calls to Uganda, Singapore, Tokyo and maybe the Mars Rover.
I stopped consuming several foods because you said the estrogen they contain may turn me gay.
I also stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because you told me they are nothing more than horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers that are bred in a lab so that places like McDonalds can sell their Big Macs.
I also stopped drinking anything out of a can - you said that I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.
When I go to parties, I now don't mix with anybody - you said that someone will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.
I donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. That poor sick girl that was about to die in the hospital. Funny thing, she never seems to get any older.
I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I wrote, in anticipation of the $15,000.00 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I participated in their special e-mail program. It's weird, though, that my new free cell phone never arrived, and neither did the passes for my paid vacation to Disneyland.
But I am positive that all this is because of the chain I broke or forgot to follow and I got a curse from hell.
PS: If you don't send this by e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next ten seconds, a bird will shit on you tomorrow at 3:00 PM!
There are many signs you need to watch out for that could mean you are yet another surf junkie addicted to the internet...
You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
You turn off your modem and get this empty feeling, like you just pulled the pin on a loved one.
You start introducing yourself as "Jon at AOL dot com"
Your wife drapes a blonde wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
All of your friends have an @ in their names.
You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
You laugh at people with 14,400 baud modems.
You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
You tell the cab driver you live at http://69.luck.street/house/bluetrim.html
Your spouse makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a commode.
You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :^)
You turn on your computer, and turn off your spouse.
Your best friend is someone you've never met.
Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer, and install a second phone line so you can chat.
You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited."
Your dog has its own home page.
So does your gold fish.
HA-HZ JOKES
Reasons you won't win the local annual Halloween costume contest...
After your roommate insisted on being the front legs, you began to suspect that a burrito dinner wasn't such a good idea.
Your "Ally McBeal" barfed in the judge's trick or treat bag.
The Nike swoosh -- while obscene to some -- is just not all that scary emblazoned on a white sheet.
"Hey! Blue dress with a stain and a cigar! Why didn't I think of that??"
Somehow your Snoop Dog costume just didn't go over that big at the Quayle house.
Your kindergarten students failed to see the humor in your "Road Kill Barney" costume.
Unlike thousands of other Monica look-alikes, the semen on your dress is not *really* the President's semen.
Although your "Internal Bus Architecture of the Intel Celeron Chip" costume was a big hit with the other engineers at the office, things are different out in the real world.
You can't get the zipper on your Bill Clinton costume to stay down.
In order to enter, you'd first have to log off the Internet -- and pornography doesn't just read itself, now does it?
Looks like "Viagra Man" will be spending Halloween in jail for indecent exposure.
Something in her eyes tells you there was an inherent flaw in your plan of dressing up as the hostess's dead husband in order to get laid.
The Bride of Frankenstein had big, pointy hair and a small, round ass, not the other way around.
Your "Naked Linda Tripp" costume is actually more nauseating than scary.
Your "Yanni" costume got you beat up on the way to the party - four times.
Your Dirk Diggler costume is merely embarrassing now that your "Diggler" is stuck in the car door.
Your beret falls off every time you kneel.
Yellow Homer Simpson makeup? Check. Can of Homer Simpson "Duff Beer"? Check.
Homer Simpson pants? DOH!!!!
No one can tell whether you came as Abe Vigoda or Marge Schott.
This year's guest judge, Elizabeth Dole, has apparently never even *heard* of Marilyn Manson.
Much to your surprise, three other people came dressed as Nikola Tesla, father of alternating current.
The judges wrongly interpreted your "Liposuction By-product" costume as a "Bowl of Tapioca Pudding" costume.
The only song you knew to go with the costume was "Mammy," and the judges at the NAACP party were not impressed.
*Nobody* likes a farting clown.
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Married men lived longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: before marriage and after marriage.
After your roommate insisted on being the front legs, you began to suspect that a burrito dinner wasn't such a good idea.
Your "Ally McBeal" barfed in the judge's trick or treat bag.
The Nike swoosh -- while obscene to some -- is just not all that scary emblazoned on a white sheet.
"Hey! Blue dress with a stain and a cigar! Why didn't I think of that??"
Somehow your Snoop Dog costume just didn't go over that big at the Quayle house.
Your kindergarten students failed to see the humor in your "Road Kill Barney" costume.
Unlike thousands of other Monica look-alikes, the semen on your dress is not *really* the President's semen.
Although your "Internal Bus Architecture of the Intel Celeron Chip" costume was a big hit with the other engineers at the office, things are different out in the real world.
You can't get the zipper on your Bill Clinton costume to stay down.
In order to enter, you'd first have to log off the Internet -- and pornography doesn't just read itself, now does it?
Looks like "Viagra Man" will be spending Halloween in jail for indecent exposure.
Something in her eyes tells you there was an inherent flaw in your plan of dressing up as the hostess's dead husband in order to get laid.
The Bride of Frankenstein had big, pointy hair and a small, round ass, not the other way around.
Your "Naked Linda Tripp" costume is actually more nauseating than scary.
Your "Yanni" costume got you beat up on the way to the party - four times.
Your Dirk Diggler costume is merely embarrassing now that your "Diggler" is stuck in the car door.
Your beret falls off every time you kneel.
Yellow Homer Simpson makeup? Check. Can of Homer Simpson "Duff Beer"? Check.
Homer Simpson pants? DOH!!!!
No one can tell whether you came as Abe Vigoda or Marge Schott.
This year's guest judge, Elizabeth Dole, has apparently never even *heard* of Marilyn Manson.
Much to your surprise, three other people came dressed as Nikola Tesla, father of alternating current.
The judges wrongly interpreted your "Liposuction By-product" costume as a "Bowl of Tapioca Pudding" costume.
The only song you knew to go with the costume was "Mammy," and the judges at the NAACP party were not impressed.
*Nobody* likes a farting clown.
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Married men lived longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: before marriage and after marriage.
GA-GZ JOKES
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabby. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.
The cabby said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blow job on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab."
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabby replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
Many romantic languages (Italian, Spanish, French) give even inanimate objects a gender. In French, for example, this determines whether you use "la" or "le" in front of the noun. If English designated things as either male or female, here are a few of our recommendations...
COPIER: Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
HAMMER: Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
HOT AIR BALLOON: Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.
HOURGLASS: Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
KIDNEYS: Female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
REMOTE CONTROL: Female... Ha! You thought I'd say male. But consider � it gives a man pleasure. He'd be lost without it. Lastly while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
SHOES: Male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
SPONGES: Female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
SUBWAY: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
SWISS ARMY KNIFE: Male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
TIRES: Male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.
WEB PAGE: Female, because it is always getting hit on.
ZIPLOC BAGS: Male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
The cabby said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blow job on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab."
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabby replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
Many romantic languages (Italian, Spanish, French) give even inanimate objects a gender. In French, for example, this determines whether you use "la" or "le" in front of the noun. If English designated things as either male or female, here are a few of our recommendations...
COPIER: Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
HAMMER: Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
HOT AIR BALLOON: Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.
HOURGLASS: Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
KIDNEYS: Female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
REMOTE CONTROL: Female... Ha! You thought I'd say male. But consider � it gives a man pleasure. He'd be lost without it. Lastly while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
SHOES: Male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
SPONGES: Female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
SUBWAY: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
SWISS ARMY KNIFE: Male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
TIRES: Male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.
WEB PAGE: Female, because it is always getting hit on.
ZIPLOC BAGS: Male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
FA-FZ JOKES
On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"
To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"
A lone tourist who is passing through the suburbs on the way to town by car, unfortunately experiences mechanical problems with the automobile. The car stalls and the tourist parks the car by the side of the road and waits for help.
Not much later, a farmer happens to pass by with a truck full of farm animals. The farmer offers the tourist a lift to town and proceeds to explain that he is bringing his farm animals to the town market, where they will be auctioned off to the highest bidders.
Well, it so happens that on the way to the town, the farmer being so engrossed in his story, unintentionally wanders into the other side of road where another vehicle is approaching in the other direction.
The farmer realizes his absent mindness and attempts to avoid the possible collision with the other vehicle. He just misses the other car, but unfortunately crashes the truck into the side of the road. The tourist winds up thrown into a ditch and suffers broken ribs and a broken arm and leg and is obviously in extreme pain. The farm animals are all messed up very badly and the farmer, although remaining inside the vehicle, still suffers cuts and scrapes.
The farmer gets out of the truck and looks at his farm animals.
The chickens all have broken limbs and can barely move. "These chickens are all useless! Nobody will want to buy these chickens anymore!" bellows the farmer. With that, he grabs and loads his shotgun and blows away the chickens.
Next, he sees the pigs and they are all lame and bleeding profusely. "These pigs are all worthless now! I'll get nothing for them!" yells the farmer. With great rage, the farmer reloads his shotgun and blows away the pigs.
The farmer looks at the sheep and they all have broken limbs and their wool is all bloodied. "Worthless sheep!" screams the farmer and with that, he reloads his shotgun and blows away the sheep.
Meanwhile, the injured tourist witnesses all of this carnage in great horror.
The farmer then moves over to the side of the ditch and looks at the tourist. "Are you okay down there?" asked the farmer.
"NEVER FELT BETTER IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!" the tourist yelled back.
Juan was driving down a country lane in his pickup when suddenly a chicken darted into the road in front of him. He slammed on his brakes, but realized that the chicken was speeding off down the road at about 30 miles an hour. Intrigued, he tried to follow the bird with his truck, but he couldn't catch up to the accelerating chicken. Seeing it turn into a small farm, Juan followed it. To his astonishment, he realized that the chicken had three legs. Looking around the small farm, he noticed that ALL of the
chickens had three legs.
The farmer came out of his house, and Juan said, "Three-legged chickens? That's astonishing!"
The farmer replied, "Yep. I bred 'em that way because I love drumsticks."
Juan was curious. "How does a three-legged chicken taste?"
The farmer smiled. "Dunno. Haven't been able to catch one yet."
The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken's his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.
"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them."
"Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You left with seven."
These two country boys, brothers, were knocking around one lazy summer day and thought it would be a good prank to push over the outhouse. They crept up from an advantageous direction like a couple of commandos, pushed the outhouse over on one side and headed for the woods. They circled round and returned home an hour later from a completely different direction thus, trying to divert suspicion from themselves.
Upon returning, their father approached them with switch in hand and bellowed, "Did you two push the outhouse over this afternoon?"
The older boy replied, "As learned in school, I cannot tell a lie. Yes, Father, we pushed over the outhouse this afternoon."
At this revelation, the farmer proceeded to flail the two boys severely and sent them to bed without supper.
In the morning, the two boys meekly approached the breakfast table and took their seats. Everything was quiet until their father finally said, "Have you two learned your lesson?"
"Sure, Dad!" said the big brother, "But, in school we learned that George Washington admitted to HIS father that he'd chopped down a cherry tree and he was forgiven because he told the truth."
"Ah yes!' said the farmer, "BUT, George's DAD, wasn't in the cherry tree when he chopped it down!!!"
A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town.
To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.
He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. "Who's the boss around here?" he asked.
"I am." said the man.
"I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one would you like?"
The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one."
"No, no, no, get the brown one." the man's wife said.
"Here's your chicken." said the farmer.
To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"
A lone tourist who is passing through the suburbs on the way to town by car, unfortunately experiences mechanical problems with the automobile. The car stalls and the tourist parks the car by the side of the road and waits for help.
Not much later, a farmer happens to pass by with a truck full of farm animals. The farmer offers the tourist a lift to town and proceeds to explain that he is bringing his farm animals to the town market, where they will be auctioned off to the highest bidders.
Well, it so happens that on the way to the town, the farmer being so engrossed in his story, unintentionally wanders into the other side of road where another vehicle is approaching in the other direction.
The farmer realizes his absent mindness and attempts to avoid the possible collision with the other vehicle. He just misses the other car, but unfortunately crashes the truck into the side of the road. The tourist winds up thrown into a ditch and suffers broken ribs and a broken arm and leg and is obviously in extreme pain. The farm animals are all messed up very badly and the farmer, although remaining inside the vehicle, still suffers cuts and scrapes.
The farmer gets out of the truck and looks at his farm animals.
The chickens all have broken limbs and can barely move. "These chickens are all useless! Nobody will want to buy these chickens anymore!" bellows the farmer. With that, he grabs and loads his shotgun and blows away the chickens.
Next, he sees the pigs and they are all lame and bleeding profusely. "These pigs are all worthless now! I'll get nothing for them!" yells the farmer. With great rage, the farmer reloads his shotgun and blows away the pigs.
The farmer looks at the sheep and they all have broken limbs and their wool is all bloodied. "Worthless sheep!" screams the farmer and with that, he reloads his shotgun and blows away the sheep.
Meanwhile, the injured tourist witnesses all of this carnage in great horror.
The farmer then moves over to the side of the ditch and looks at the tourist. "Are you okay down there?" asked the farmer.
"NEVER FELT BETTER IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!" the tourist yelled back.
Juan was driving down a country lane in his pickup when suddenly a chicken darted into the road in front of him. He slammed on his brakes, but realized that the chicken was speeding off down the road at about 30 miles an hour. Intrigued, he tried to follow the bird with his truck, but he couldn't catch up to the accelerating chicken. Seeing it turn into a small farm, Juan followed it. To his astonishment, he realized that the chicken had three legs. Looking around the small farm, he noticed that ALL of the
chickens had three legs.
The farmer came out of his house, and Juan said, "Three-legged chickens? That's astonishing!"
The farmer replied, "Yep. I bred 'em that way because I love drumsticks."
Juan was curious. "How does a three-legged chicken taste?"
The farmer smiled. "Dunno. Haven't been able to catch one yet."
The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken's his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.
"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them."
"Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You left with seven."
These two country boys, brothers, were knocking around one lazy summer day and thought it would be a good prank to push over the outhouse. They crept up from an advantageous direction like a couple of commandos, pushed the outhouse over on one side and headed for the woods. They circled round and returned home an hour later from a completely different direction thus, trying to divert suspicion from themselves.
Upon returning, their father approached them with switch in hand and bellowed, "Did you two push the outhouse over this afternoon?"
The older boy replied, "As learned in school, I cannot tell a lie. Yes, Father, we pushed over the outhouse this afternoon."
At this revelation, the farmer proceeded to flail the two boys severely and sent them to bed without supper.
In the morning, the two boys meekly approached the breakfast table and took their seats. Everything was quiet until their father finally said, "Have you two learned your lesson?"
"Sure, Dad!" said the big brother, "But, in school we learned that George Washington admitted to HIS father that he'd chopped down a cherry tree and he was forgiven because he told the truth."
"Ah yes!' said the farmer, "BUT, George's DAD, wasn't in the cherry tree when he chopped it down!!!"
A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town.
To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.
He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. "Who's the boss around here?" he asked.
"I am." said the man.
"I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one would you like?"
The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one."
"No, no, no, get the brown one." the man's wife said.
"Here's your chicken." said the farmer.
EA-EZ JOKES
Who would have thought the economy would get this bad...
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
Jewish women are marrying for love.
Even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren't paying their taxes.
Hotwheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, Pfizer and Citigroup.
McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
A truckload of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico.
The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.
People in Africa are donating money to Americans.
Motel Six won't leave the light on.
The Mafia is laying off judges.
And finally...
Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh great... the guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $750 billion disappear.
To increase your vocabulary with phrases you've heard but aren't quite sure how to use, read on...
"Cold turkey"
Definition: Refers to the physical state addicts are in when withdrawing from drug
addition, especially heroin. Their blood is directed to the internal organs, leaving
their skin white and goose bumpy like a Thanksgiving bird ready to go in the oven.
Mmmmm, junkie turkey.
Origin: The first usage of this phrase is unknown, but it has as many applications as
there are things to be addicted to.
Use it in a sentence: After coming down with a strange illness that turned his
eye-whites blue, Ozzy had to go cold turkey from biting the heads off live bats or
any other animals.
"Going Dutch"
Definition: To evenly split the cost of a group expense, like a meal.
Origin: The origin of the phrase is unknown, but there is one explanation. In the
17th century, the Dutch were hated commercial rivals of the British, and have been a
verbal target for them since. Anyone who "went Dutch" may have been considered a
tightwad. Not surprisingly, the Dutch don't seem to love this phrase.
Use it in a sentence: The last girl I went out with called me a superior patriarchal
misogynist who didn't respect her independence just because I offered to pick up the
tab. So last night I decided I'd play it safe and suggested to my date that we go
Dutch. She called me a cheap bastard!
"Shit hits the fan"
Definition: Refers to the commotion that can occur when a situation that was
previously secret is publicly revealed. Graphically illustrates the distinction
between fecal matter, which is not in itself such a problem, and fecal matter piling
up to the ceiling fan and then being sprayed everywhere, which pretty much sucks.
Origin: Depression-era America, when apparently excrement abounded.
Use it in a sentence: "I'm telling you, Bob, if we don't figure out how to get your
dad's pogo stick out of this tree, the shit's really gonna hit the fan. I mean, how's
he supposed to get to work?"
"Put a sock in it"
Definition: A terse request to be quiet.
Origin: Since early gramophones had no volume control knobs, playing them at anything
less than 11 ("my amp goes up to 11") required putting a sock in the amplification
trumpet.
Use it in a sentence:
Girl: "Why are you hesitating? You don't like it, do you? You think it makes me look
fat, right? Oh, I knew this would happen. I should never have gotten an orange
leather..."
Guy: "Ah, put a sock in it."
"Son of a gun"
Definition:
a) As an interjection, it means "gee whiz" or "well I'll be damned."
b) As a name to call someone, it's a euphemism for a phrase that's already pretty
tame: son of a bitch.
Origin: According to the Phrase Finder (www.phrases.shu.ac.uk), the expression
originated on sailing ships, where some women would have sex with sailors between the
cannons. The male progeny of such a dangerous liaison would then be called a son of a
gun. Nice pedigree.
Use it in a sentence:
a) "Son of a gun, who stole my toupee?"
b) "Bob, you old son of a gun. How's the prostate?"
"For all intents and purposes"
Definition: First of all, it ain't "for all intensive purposes." Think about it for a
minute. What the hell could that possibly mean? For all uses that are short but
really demanding? Like, oh, I don't know, midget arm-wrestling? No, "for all intents
and purposes" means "realistically speaking; practically; in almost every way."
Origin: Although its origin is unknown, the phrase used to be "to all intents and
purposes," which is still sometimes heard.
Use it in a sentence: Bob tried so hard to please Patty that he had long ago passed
the "whipped" phase and was now, for all intents and purposes, her love slave.
"Big cheese"
Definition: The most important person; the boss.
Origin: The Urdu word for thing is chiz. The British likened its sound to the word
"cheese" and, as cheese is so vital to the Brits that their pound currency was
actually pegged to the price of medium cheddar for almost two centuries, they
modified its meaning to "the main/best thing." The phrase crossed the Atlantic as
"the big cheese" in about 1890.
Use it in a sentence: The way he acted, you could tell Bob thought he was the big
cheese of the joint. But really, with his faux chains, hedge-like chest hair and
shiny zebra-striped shirt, he was just cheesy.
"Peeping Tom"
Definition: A peeping Tom is a voyeur.
Origin: It stems from an 11th century English legend in which Tom the tailor
unlawfully peeps at Lady Godiva as she rides on horseback naked through Coventry. As
a result, he was struck blind. Doh!
Use it in a sentence: To mess with the minds of any would-be peeping Toms in the high
rise across the street, every night Bob undressed in front of his window with all the
lights on, then looked out into the night and gave a big wave before retiring.
"Beat around the bush"
Definition: This old phrase means, well, you know, sort of to, like, stall and stuff,
or lie even, instead of, um -- hey look, that dog has a poofy tail! Sorry, it means
not to get to the point or the truth.
Origin: It comes from hunting, where hunters would carefully beat around bushes
hoping to drive out their prey instead of just going in after it.
Use it in a sentence:
Man #1: "Stop beating around the bush and ask the question already!"
Man #2: "Okay, fine. Can I borrow your girlfriend for, like, an hour?"
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
Jewish women are marrying for love.
Even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren't paying their taxes.
Hotwheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, Pfizer and Citigroup.
McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
A truckload of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico.
The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.
People in Africa are donating money to Americans.
Motel Six won't leave the light on.
The Mafia is laying off judges.
And finally...
Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh great... the guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $750 billion disappear.
To increase your vocabulary with phrases you've heard but aren't quite sure how to use, read on...
"Cold turkey"
Definition: Refers to the physical state addicts are in when withdrawing from drug
addition, especially heroin. Their blood is directed to the internal organs, leaving
their skin white and goose bumpy like a Thanksgiving bird ready to go in the oven.
Mmmmm, junkie turkey.
Origin: The first usage of this phrase is unknown, but it has as many applications as
there are things to be addicted to.
Use it in a sentence: After coming down with a strange illness that turned his
eye-whites blue, Ozzy had to go cold turkey from biting the heads off live bats or
any other animals.
"Going Dutch"
Definition: To evenly split the cost of a group expense, like a meal.
Origin: The origin of the phrase is unknown, but there is one explanation. In the
17th century, the Dutch were hated commercial rivals of the British, and have been a
verbal target for them since. Anyone who "went Dutch" may have been considered a
tightwad. Not surprisingly, the Dutch don't seem to love this phrase.
Use it in a sentence: The last girl I went out with called me a superior patriarchal
misogynist who didn't respect her independence just because I offered to pick up the
tab. So last night I decided I'd play it safe and suggested to my date that we go
Dutch. She called me a cheap bastard!
"Shit hits the fan"
Definition: Refers to the commotion that can occur when a situation that was
previously secret is publicly revealed. Graphically illustrates the distinction
between fecal matter, which is not in itself such a problem, and fecal matter piling
up to the ceiling fan and then being sprayed everywhere, which pretty much sucks.
Origin: Depression-era America, when apparently excrement abounded.
Use it in a sentence: "I'm telling you, Bob, if we don't figure out how to get your
dad's pogo stick out of this tree, the shit's really gonna hit the fan. I mean, how's
he supposed to get to work?"
"Put a sock in it"
Definition: A terse request to be quiet.
Origin: Since early gramophones had no volume control knobs, playing them at anything
less than 11 ("my amp goes up to 11") required putting a sock in the amplification
trumpet.
Use it in a sentence:
Girl: "Why are you hesitating? You don't like it, do you? You think it makes me look
fat, right? Oh, I knew this would happen. I should never have gotten an orange
leather..."
Guy: "Ah, put a sock in it."
"Son of a gun"
Definition:
a) As an interjection, it means "gee whiz" or "well I'll be damned."
b) As a name to call someone, it's a euphemism for a phrase that's already pretty
tame: son of a bitch.
Origin: According to the Phrase Finder (www.phrases.shu.ac.uk), the expression
originated on sailing ships, where some women would have sex with sailors between the
cannons. The male progeny of such a dangerous liaison would then be called a son of a
gun. Nice pedigree.
Use it in a sentence:
a) "Son of a gun, who stole my toupee?"
b) "Bob, you old son of a gun. How's the prostate?"
"For all intents and purposes"
Definition: First of all, it ain't "for all intensive purposes." Think about it for a
minute. What the hell could that possibly mean? For all uses that are short but
really demanding? Like, oh, I don't know, midget arm-wrestling? No, "for all intents
and purposes" means "realistically speaking; practically; in almost every way."
Origin: Although its origin is unknown, the phrase used to be "to all intents and
purposes," which is still sometimes heard.
Use it in a sentence: Bob tried so hard to please Patty that he had long ago passed
the "whipped" phase and was now, for all intents and purposes, her love slave.
"Big cheese"
Definition: The most important person; the boss.
Origin: The Urdu word for thing is chiz. The British likened its sound to the word
"cheese" and, as cheese is so vital to the Brits that their pound currency was
actually pegged to the price of medium cheddar for almost two centuries, they
modified its meaning to "the main/best thing." The phrase crossed the Atlantic as
"the big cheese" in about 1890.
Use it in a sentence: The way he acted, you could tell Bob thought he was the big
cheese of the joint. But really, with his faux chains, hedge-like chest hair and
shiny zebra-striped shirt, he was just cheesy.
"Peeping Tom"
Definition: A peeping Tom is a voyeur.
Origin: It stems from an 11th century English legend in which Tom the tailor
unlawfully peeps at Lady Godiva as she rides on horseback naked through Coventry. As
a result, he was struck blind. Doh!
Use it in a sentence: To mess with the minds of any would-be peeping Toms in the high
rise across the street, every night Bob undressed in front of his window with all the
lights on, then looked out into the night and gave a big wave before retiring.
"Beat around the bush"
Definition: This old phrase means, well, you know, sort of to, like, stall and stuff,
or lie even, instead of, um -- hey look, that dog has a poofy tail! Sorry, it means
not to get to the point or the truth.
Origin: It comes from hunting, where hunters would carefully beat around bushes
hoping to drive out their prey instead of just going in after it.
Use it in a sentence:
Man #1: "Stop beating around the bush and ask the question already!"
Man #2: "Okay, fine. Can I borrow your girlfriend for, like, an hour?"
DRIVING STYLES
Depending on where someone is from and where they are driving you can make some assumptions about their driving styles and etiquette...
Chicago: One hand on wheel, one hand on horn.
New York: One hand on wheel, one finger out window.
New Jersey: One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic.
Boston: One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator.
Scarborough, Ontario: Both hands clenched on steering wheel, driver staring directly forward, cutting in front of you and slowing down to 40 in a 60 zone then looking in rearview mirror in wonder as to why the car behind is flashing high beams.
Los Angeles: One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator with gun in lap
Ohio, but driving in California: Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror.
Italy: Both hands in air and gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat.
Seattle: One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game.
Texas: One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on the brake, throwing a McDonald's bag out the window.
West Virginia: Four-wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna.
Florida: Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on.
Edmonton: One gloved hand on wheel, one hand on heater, feet up underneath bum to keep warm, 3 differently decorated ice scrapers, one plastic, broken; one steel, broken; one pastel, hidden in trunk. neither foot on accelerator or brakes because with all the ice on the roads, you're all moving at the same speed either way.
Dubuque, Iowa: no use of turn signal, or left on for 26 blocks...also cradling cheap cell phone.
Maine: Beat up 1983 Dodge Ram pick-up truck, right hand holding a Dunkin Donuts coffee, cigarette dangling from mouth, greasy hair shoved underneath an oil stained cap and classic rock blaring from the radio.
Vancouver: Canadian beer in one hand, B.C. Weed in the other. Dick on the steering wheel
New Orleans: One hand on wheel, one hand holding down sum hookers head while she's giving head!
Pennsylvania: Both hands on reigns.
California: (Bay Area / Silicon Valley) One hand on laptop computer, one hand at on-board navigation/Internet console installed in dash board, cell phone attached to head with microphone earpiece, having a executive meeting with half a dozen people on speaker phone, palm pilot wedged between knees to observe up to date stock quotes, and shoes kicked off, and feet crossed because traffic hasn't moved in the past hour.
Montana: One finger on steering wheel of jacked up 4x4, Charlie Daniels blaring from speakers, dead coyote in back, hay leaves blowing out of bed while going down the highway.
Nebraska: Two hands on wheel, with head lodged up ass, chunks of rust falling off by the pound.
Quebec: engaged in heated political discussion with espresso in one hand and croissant in the other, aiming for pedestrians who have the mistaken notion that crosswalks are for them.
Michigan: Both hands on wheel and head up ass.
Toronto: Both hands on the wheel, seat as far forward as possible, head fixed only looking forward, ignoring people behind and beside you, stopping and waiting for the road to fully clear before making any forward progress.
Los Angeles: Lowered Honda, can't see over dash, driving too fast or too slow, car sounds like a bee as it goes by.
Chicago: One hand on wheel, one hand on horn.
New York: One hand on wheel, one finger out window.
New Jersey: One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic.
Boston: One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator.
Scarborough, Ontario: Both hands clenched on steering wheel, driver staring directly forward, cutting in front of you and slowing down to 40 in a 60 zone then looking in rearview mirror in wonder as to why the car behind is flashing high beams.
Los Angeles: One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator with gun in lap
Ohio, but driving in California: Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror.
Italy: Both hands in air and gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat.
Seattle: One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game.
Texas: One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on the brake, throwing a McDonald's bag out the window.
West Virginia: Four-wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna.
Florida: Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on.
Edmonton: One gloved hand on wheel, one hand on heater, feet up underneath bum to keep warm, 3 differently decorated ice scrapers, one plastic, broken; one steel, broken; one pastel, hidden in trunk. neither foot on accelerator or brakes because with all the ice on the roads, you're all moving at the same speed either way.
Dubuque, Iowa: no use of turn signal, or left on for 26 blocks...also cradling cheap cell phone.
Maine: Beat up 1983 Dodge Ram pick-up truck, right hand holding a Dunkin Donuts coffee, cigarette dangling from mouth, greasy hair shoved underneath an oil stained cap and classic rock blaring from the radio.
Vancouver: Canadian beer in one hand, B.C. Weed in the other. Dick on the steering wheel
New Orleans: One hand on wheel, one hand holding down sum hookers head while she's giving head!
Pennsylvania: Both hands on reigns.
California: (Bay Area / Silicon Valley) One hand on laptop computer, one hand at on-board navigation/Internet console installed in dash board, cell phone attached to head with microphone earpiece, having a executive meeting with half a dozen people on speaker phone, palm pilot wedged between knees to observe up to date stock quotes, and shoes kicked off, and feet crossed because traffic hasn't moved in the past hour.
Montana: One finger on steering wheel of jacked up 4x4, Charlie Daniels blaring from speakers, dead coyote in back, hay leaves blowing out of bed while going down the highway.
Nebraska: Two hands on wheel, with head lodged up ass, chunks of rust falling off by the pound.
Quebec: engaged in heated political discussion with espresso in one hand and croissant in the other, aiming for pedestrians who have the mistaken notion that crosswalks are for them.
Michigan: Both hands on wheel and head up ass.
Toronto: Both hands on the wheel, seat as far forward as possible, head fixed only looking forward, ignoring people behind and beside you, stopping and waiting for the road to fully clear before making any forward progress.
Los Angeles: Lowered Honda, can't see over dash, driving too fast or too slow, car sounds like a bee as it goes by.
DIFFICULT ENGLISH
Some reasons why the English language is hard to learn...
The bandage was wound around the wound.
The farm was used to produce produce.
The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse
We must polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of injections my jaw got number.
Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
The bandage was wound around the wound.
The farm was used to produce produce.
The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse
We must polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of injections my jaw got number.
Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
DA - DZ JOKES
Advertisement: The most truthful part of a newspaper.
Afternoon: The part of the day spent figuring how we wasted the morning.
Afterthought: A tardy sense of prudence that prompts one to try to shut his mouth about the time he has put his foot in it.
Agriculturist: One who makes his money in town and blows it in the country.
Ambition: A poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
Ambulance: A shuttle between a speeding motorcycle and a wheelchair.
Animals: Creatures that do not grab for more when they have enough.
Antique Collector's Song: “You take the highboy and I'll take the lowboy.”
Antiques: Furniture that is too old for poor folks but the right age for rich people.
Apartment: A place where you start to turn off your radio and discover you've been listening to your neighbor's.
Apologize: To repeat an insult with variations.
Argument: Something that gets better when you don't have facts.
Arthritis: Twinges in the hinges.
Awe: Showing respect with your mouth wide open.
Baby: A perfect example of minority rule.
Bachelor: A thing of beauty and a boy forever.
Backbiter: A mosquito.
Bald: When one has less hair to comb but more face to wash.
Barber: A brilliant conversationalist who cuts hair for a sideline.
Bargain: Something that's so reasonable they won't take it back when you find out what's wrong with it.
Benefactor: One who returns part of his loot.
Big Game Hunter: A person who can spot a leopard.
Budget: What you can’t do to a woman’s mind once it’s made up.
Buffet Dinner: Where the hostess doesn't have enough chairs for everybody.
Bureaucrat: A Democrat who holds some office that a Republican wants.
Business: Something which, if you don't have any, you go out of.
Businessman: The man to whom age brings golf instead of wisdom
Candidate: A person who asks for money from the wealthy and votes from the poor to protect them from each other.
Checkroom: Where the sheep are separated from the coats.
Chef: An interior decorator.
Christian Nation: One that has Churches too many people stay away from on Sunday.
Classic: A book which people praise and don't read.
Class Reunion: Where everyone gets together to see who is falling apart.
Combustion: What takes place when there isn't enough goods in a store to cover the insurance.
Commercial: The warning you get to shut off the radio or television.
Community Chest: An organization that puts all its begs into one ask it.
Conceited Person: One who mistakes a big head for greatness.
Conference: A long coffee break.
Congress: A body of government that does not solve problems - it just investigates them.
Conscience: A still, small voice that tells you when you are about to get caught.
Contortionist: The only person who can do what everyone else would like to do - pat himself on the back.
Cookbook: A volume that is full of stirring passages.
CLICK TITLE ; DIFFICULT ENGLISH - DRIVING STYLES
Afternoon: The part of the day spent figuring how we wasted the morning.
Afterthought: A tardy sense of prudence that prompts one to try to shut his mouth about the time he has put his foot in it.
Agriculturist: One who makes his money in town and blows it in the country.
Ambition: A poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
Ambulance: A shuttle between a speeding motorcycle and a wheelchair.
Animals: Creatures that do not grab for more when they have enough.
Antique Collector's Song: “You take the highboy and I'll take the lowboy.”
Antiques: Furniture that is too old for poor folks but the right age for rich people.
Apartment: A place where you start to turn off your radio and discover you've been listening to your neighbor's.
Apologize: To repeat an insult with variations.
Argument: Something that gets better when you don't have facts.
Arthritis: Twinges in the hinges.
Awe: Showing respect with your mouth wide open.
Baby: A perfect example of minority rule.
Bachelor: A thing of beauty and a boy forever.
Backbiter: A mosquito.
Bald: When one has less hair to comb but more face to wash.
Barber: A brilliant conversationalist who cuts hair for a sideline.
Bargain: Something that's so reasonable they won't take it back when you find out what's wrong with it.
Benefactor: One who returns part of his loot.
Big Game Hunter: A person who can spot a leopard.
Budget: What you can’t do to a woman’s mind once it’s made up.
Buffet Dinner: Where the hostess doesn't have enough chairs for everybody.
Bureaucrat: A Democrat who holds some office that a Republican wants.
Business: Something which, if you don't have any, you go out of.
Businessman: The man to whom age brings golf instead of wisdom
Candidate: A person who asks for money from the wealthy and votes from the poor to protect them from each other.
Checkroom: Where the sheep are separated from the coats.
Chef: An interior decorator.
Christian Nation: One that has Churches too many people stay away from on Sunday.
Classic: A book which people praise and don't read.
Class Reunion: Where everyone gets together to see who is falling apart.
Combustion: What takes place when there isn't enough goods in a store to cover the insurance.
Commercial: The warning you get to shut off the radio or television.
Community Chest: An organization that puts all its begs into one ask it.
Conceited Person: One who mistakes a big head for greatness.
Conference: A long coffee break.
Congress: A body of government that does not solve problems - it just investigates them.
Conscience: A still, small voice that tells you when you are about to get caught.
Contortionist: The only person who can do what everyone else would like to do - pat himself on the back.
Cookbook: A volume that is full of stirring passages.
CLICK TITLE ; DIFFICULT ENGLISH - DRIVING STYLES
CRAZY LAWS
Penal Code 6260, California State Vehicle Act, Chapter XVIII, Paragrapf 187, reads:
It is a misdemeanor to shoot any kind of game bird or mammal--except a whale, from an automobile or an airplane.
Ordinance No. 16 of Columbus, Mont. provides that;
Any person who shall not lift his hat to the Mayor as he passes him in the street, will be guilty of a misdemeanor.
Boys are prohibited from throwing snowballs at trees within the city limits of Mt. Pulaski, Ill., according to Section 37 of the Revised Ordinances of that city.
All Wisconsin boarding houses clubs, hotels and restaurants must serve with every meal sold at twenty-five cents or more, not less than two-thirds of an ounce of cheese.
Connecticut General Statutes provides for the punishment by fine or imprisonment for the "Enticing of a neighbor's bees".
The Revised Statutes of Kansas, 1923, state: It shall be unlawful for any person to exhibit in a public way within the State of Kansas, any sort of exhibition that consists of the eating or pretending to eat of snakes, lizaeds, scorpions, centipedes, tarantulas, or other reptiles.
The State Housing Act of California, Sec. 74 reads: No horse, cow, calf, swine, sheep, goat, mule, or other animal, chicken, pigeon, goose, duck, or other poultry shall be kept in any apartment house or hotel or any part thereof.
In Alderson W.Va, an ordinance states: No lions shall be allowed to run wild on the streets of this city.
This is the law in Kansas: When two trains approach each other at a crossing, they shall both come to a complete stop, and neither shall start up until the other has gone.
In 1907, Michigan passed a law which reads: An act to provide for the lawful taking of suckers, mullet, dogfish, and lawyers from the Sturgeon River
It is a misdemeanor to shoot any kind of game bird or mammal--except a whale, from an automobile or an airplane.
Ordinance No. 16 of Columbus, Mont. provides that;
Any person who shall not lift his hat to the Mayor as he passes him in the street, will be guilty of a misdemeanor.
Boys are prohibited from throwing snowballs at trees within the city limits of Mt. Pulaski, Ill., according to Section 37 of the Revised Ordinances of that city.
All Wisconsin boarding houses clubs, hotels and restaurants must serve with every meal sold at twenty-five cents or more, not less than two-thirds of an ounce of cheese.
Connecticut General Statutes provides for the punishment by fine or imprisonment for the "Enticing of a neighbor's bees".
The Revised Statutes of Kansas, 1923, state: It shall be unlawful for any person to exhibit in a public way within the State of Kansas, any sort of exhibition that consists of the eating or pretending to eat of snakes, lizaeds, scorpions, centipedes, tarantulas, or other reptiles.
The State Housing Act of California, Sec. 74 reads: No horse, cow, calf, swine, sheep, goat, mule, or other animal, chicken, pigeon, goose, duck, or other poultry shall be kept in any apartment house or hotel or any part thereof.
In Alderson W.Va, an ordinance states: No lions shall be allowed to run wild on the streets of this city.
This is the law in Kansas: When two trains approach each other at a crossing, they shall both come to a complete stop, and neither shall start up until the other has gone.
In 1907, Michigan passed a law which reads: An act to provide for the lawful taking of suckers, mullet, dogfish, and lawyers from the Sturgeon River
COW ECONOMY
TRADITIONAL CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the band, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty time the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowikimon and market them worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are... You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows... both are mad.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows... and the one on the left is kinda cute...
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the band, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty time the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowikimon and market them worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are... You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows... both are mad.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows... and the one on the left is kinda cute...
CONFUSIUS
America good place to put Chinese restaurant.
Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man who is jacking off into a peanut butter jar is fucking nuts.
Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty time.
Man who go to bed with a problem in hand wakes up in the morning with a solution in hand.
He who refuses to listen is lying.
He who stands in corner with hands in pocket doesn't feel crazy, feels nuts.
He who eats too many prunes, sits on toilet many moons.
He who pull out to fast leave rubber behind.
Man who put head on railroad track get splitting headache.
Wash your face in the morning, neck at night.
Man who have woman on ground have piece on earth.
Woman who fly upside down have hairy crackup.
Man who go to bed with itchy bum wake up with smelly finger.
Man born in backseat of car with automatic transmission grow up to be shiftless bastard.
It take square ass to shit a brick.
Rape is impossible. Lady run much faster with dress up than man with pants down!
He who sniffs Coke, drowns.
Crowded elevator smells different to midget.
Lady who live in glass house, dress in basement!
To make egg roll, push it.
Woman who puts detergent on top shelf, jump for Joy...
He who fart in church sit in own pew.
He who fucks dynamite gets big bang out of it.
She who rides bike peddles ass all over town.
He who lose key to girlfriends apartment get no new key.
Man who pick nose - head cave in.
Fly which rests on toilet seat gets pissed off.
Man who eats photograph of his sire is soon spitting image of his father.
Woman who put chicken and peas in soup, very unhygienic.
Man who sink into woman's arms will soon find arms in woman's sink.
Man who piss into strong wind gets wet.
Bread that is cast upon water gets soggy and sinks.
Hamsters which crawl into the wrong orifice get shit-faced.
Man with athletic finger make broad jump.
Boy and girl go camping together sure to have naughty intent.
Never trust men with short legs, brains too near the bottom.
All men eat, but Fu Manchu.
Secretary not part of furniture until screwed on desk.
Man who put cream in tart, not really a baker...
Man who pushes piano down mineshaft get A flat miner.
Man who walk middle of road get run over by bus.
He who let woman on top is fucking up.
People who make Confucius joke speak bad English.
Woman who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat-house.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky.
Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man who is jacking off into a peanut butter jar is fucking nuts.
Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty time.
Man who go to bed with a problem in hand wakes up in the morning with a solution in hand.
He who refuses to listen is lying.
He who stands in corner with hands in pocket doesn't feel crazy, feels nuts.
He who eats too many prunes, sits on toilet many moons.
He who pull out to fast leave rubber behind.
Man who put head on railroad track get splitting headache.
Wash your face in the morning, neck at night.
Man who have woman on ground have piece on earth.
Woman who fly upside down have hairy crackup.
Man who go to bed with itchy bum wake up with smelly finger.
Man born in backseat of car with automatic transmission grow up to be shiftless bastard.
It take square ass to shit a brick.
Rape is impossible. Lady run much faster with dress up than man with pants down!
He who sniffs Coke, drowns.
Crowded elevator smells different to midget.
Lady who live in glass house, dress in basement!
To make egg roll, push it.
Woman who puts detergent on top shelf, jump for Joy...
He who fart in church sit in own pew.
He who fucks dynamite gets big bang out of it.
She who rides bike peddles ass all over town.
He who lose key to girlfriends apartment get no new key.
Man who pick nose - head cave in.
Fly which rests on toilet seat gets pissed off.
Man who eats photograph of his sire is soon spitting image of his father.
Woman who put chicken and peas in soup, very unhygienic.
Man who sink into woman's arms will soon find arms in woman's sink.
Man who piss into strong wind gets wet.
Bread that is cast upon water gets soggy and sinks.
Hamsters which crawl into the wrong orifice get shit-faced.
Man with athletic finger make broad jump.
Boy and girl go camping together sure to have naughty intent.
Never trust men with short legs, brains too near the bottom.
All men eat, but Fu Manchu.
Secretary not part of furniture until screwed on desk.
Man who put cream in tart, not really a baker...
Man who pushes piano down mineshaft get A flat miner.
Man who walk middle of road get run over by bus.
He who let woman on top is fucking up.
People who make Confucius joke speak bad English.
Woman who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat-house.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky.
computer
25 Interesting Things That You Learn About Computers in The Movies...
1. Word processors never display a cursor.
2. You never have to use the spacebar when typing long sentences.
3. All monitors display 2 inch high letters.
4. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces.
5. Those that don't will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
6. Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.
7. Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS." Viruses cause temperatures in computers, just like they do in humans. After a while, smoke billows out of disk drives and monitors.
8. All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.
9. Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer as the characters come across the screen.
10. All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backward. See #7, above)
11. People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.
12. A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.
13. Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function.
14. Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. In the movies, modems transmit data at two gigabytes per second.
15. When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.
16. If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen. There are no ways to copy a backup file -- and there are no undelete utilities.
17. If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.
18. No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms.
19. The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has. However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labelled.
20. Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics capability.
21. Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY-MP.
22. Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face.
23. Computers never crash during key, high-intensity activities. Humans operating computers never make mistakes under stress.
24. Programs are fiendishly perfect and never have bugs that slow down users.
25. Any photograph can have minute details pulled out of it. You can zoom into any picture as far as you want to. Example: "What's that fuzzy thing in the corner? I don't know, let's check. It's the murder weapon! Let's look under the bed for the killers shoes. no, just some comics books (Marvel 1954, very rare). Let's check the closet shelves...!"
1. Word processors never display a cursor.
2. You never have to use the spacebar when typing long sentences.
3. All monitors display 2 inch high letters.
4. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces.
5. Those that don't will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
6. Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.
7. Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS." Viruses cause temperatures in computers, just like they do in humans. After a while, smoke billows out of disk drives and monitors.
8. All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.
9. Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer as the characters come across the screen.
10. All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backward. See #7, above)
11. People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.
12. A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.
13. Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function.
14. Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. In the movies, modems transmit data at two gigabytes per second.
15. When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.
16. If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen. There are no ways to copy a backup file -- and there are no undelete utilities.
17. If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.
18. No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms.
19. The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has. However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labelled.
20. Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics capability.
21. Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY-MP.
22. Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face.
23. Computers never crash during key, high-intensity activities. Humans operating computers never make mistakes under stress.
24. Programs are fiendishly perfect and never have bugs that slow down users.
25. Any photograph can have minute details pulled out of it. You can zoom into any picture as far as you want to. Example: "What's that fuzzy thing in the corner? I don't know, let's check. It's the murder weapon! Let's look under the bed for the killers shoes. no, just some comics books (Marvel 1954, very rare). Let's check the closet shelves...!"
CNN GAMES
This sensational game, unlike some other television drinking games, is guaranteed to get you absolutely and completely shit faced drunk in under an hour. So gather your friends around the TV, because its time to finally get up to date with world events and get fucking plastered at the same time, its CNN drinking game time!!! Yeeee haaaaa!
CNN DRINKING GAME INSTRUCTIONS
Number of Players
2 to 10 (having more than 10 really puts a strain on the local ambulance supply)
What Is Needed
1 pair of dice; lots of beer; lots of booze; 1 king can of beer or booze.
How to Play
Tune into CNN. Each time you hear or see one of the keywords listed below, drink the corresponding amount and type of alcohol. The first one convulsing on the floor with twitching legs and flailing arms, wins!
Using the Keywords Table
The "If you hear..." column means any time you hear an announcer, news person, an interviewer or interviewee saying the keyword. "If you read..." means any time you see the keyword on that annoying ticker at the bottom the screen, in a title or elsewhere on the screen during a news broadcast.
Qualifying Beverages
Booze refers to gin, vodka, Bacardi, bourbon, rum, no panty waist coolers or ciders. Beer refers to real beer that is 4.5% or above. Skull is defined as to complete a full standard sized container or glass of beer. Sip is defined as the typical amount you would drink each time you are usually taking a hit of beer, "nursing it" sips are not permitted.
Disqualification
Players who dribble beer out the sides of their pie holes when skulling are disqualified. Any attempts to water down or lessen the alcoholic content of a shot or beer is deemed pathetic and that player is disqualified.
Bonus Play
If you hear any three or more of the keywords in a single sentence (example "Members of the Iraq terrorist regime have assembled weapons of mass destruction aimed at Michael Jackson's ranch.") means all players must role pair of dice once; player with highest number must skull king can of beer or booze.
If you hear.. You Drink... If you read... You Drink...
"weapons of mass destruction" Skull Beer weapons of mass destruction 1 Shot Booze
"terror alert" Skull Beer terror alert 1 Shot Booze
"terrorist" Skull Beer terrorist 1 Shot Booze
"regime" Skull Beer regime 1 Shot Booze
"Iraq" Skull Beer Iraq 1 Shot Booze
"Iran" Skull Beer Iran 1 Shot Booze
"Michael Jackson" 1 Sip of Beer "Michael Jackson" 1 Sip or Beer
NOTE! This game is ONLY in fun, and is only trying to point out HOW MANY BLOODY TIMES we hear the same words OVER and OVER and OVER again, day after day after day on CNN. It is NOT intended to make light of any of the situations surrounding the actual news items themselves.
CNN DRINKING GAME INSTRUCTIONS
Number of Players
2 to 10 (having more than 10 really puts a strain on the local ambulance supply)
What Is Needed
1 pair of dice; lots of beer; lots of booze; 1 king can of beer or booze.
How to Play
Tune into CNN. Each time you hear or see one of the keywords listed below, drink the corresponding amount and type of alcohol. The first one convulsing on the floor with twitching legs and flailing arms, wins!
Using the Keywords Table
The "If you hear..." column means any time you hear an announcer, news person, an interviewer or interviewee saying the keyword. "If you read..." means any time you see the keyword on that annoying ticker at the bottom the screen, in a title or elsewhere on the screen during a news broadcast.
Qualifying Beverages
Booze refers to gin, vodka, Bacardi, bourbon, rum, no panty waist coolers or ciders. Beer refers to real beer that is 4.5% or above. Skull is defined as to complete a full standard sized container or glass of beer. Sip is defined as the typical amount you would drink each time you are usually taking a hit of beer, "nursing it" sips are not permitted.
Disqualification
Players who dribble beer out the sides of their pie holes when skulling are disqualified. Any attempts to water down or lessen the alcoholic content of a shot or beer is deemed pathetic and that player is disqualified.
Bonus Play
If you hear any three or more of the keywords in a single sentence (example "Members of the Iraq terrorist regime have assembled weapons of mass destruction aimed at Michael Jackson's ranch.") means all players must role pair of dice once; player with highest number must skull king can of beer or booze.
If you hear.. You Drink... If you read... You Drink...
"weapons of mass destruction" Skull Beer weapons of mass destruction 1 Shot Booze
"terror alert" Skull Beer terror alert 1 Shot Booze
"terrorist" Skull Beer terrorist 1 Shot Booze
"regime" Skull Beer regime 1 Shot Booze
"Iraq" Skull Beer Iraq 1 Shot Booze
"Iran" Skull Beer Iran 1 Shot Booze
"Michael Jackson" 1 Sip of Beer "Michael Jackson" 1 Sip or Beer
NOTE! This game is ONLY in fun, and is only trying to point out HOW MANY BLOODY TIMES we hear the same words OVER and OVER and OVER again, day after day after day on CNN. It is NOT intended to make light of any of the situations surrounding the actual news items themselves.
CLASSIFIED ADS
The following were actually taken from recent classified ads in newspapers...
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL - 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.
1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer
AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART STUPID DOG
2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15
TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000
STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT - $15
SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL TISSUE 89 cents
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR. WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.
FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME.
FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50
NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED *************CALL CHUBBIE
BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"
SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT..BEEN OUT AWHILE.. BETTER BE REWARD.
HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"
GET A LITTLE JOHN: THE TRAVELING URINAL HOLDS 2 1/2 BOTTLES OF BEER.
HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB
GEORGIA PEACHES CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.
NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE SLIGHTLY STAINED
FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT.
AMERICAN FLAG 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED $100
TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.
EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS -$175.
OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.
LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.
ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER
GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb.
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL - 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.
1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer
AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART STUPID DOG
2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15
TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000
STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT - $15
SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL TISSUE 89 cents
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR. WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.
FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME.
FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50
NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED *************CALL CHUBBIE
BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"
SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT..BEEN OUT AWHILE.. BETTER BE REWARD.
HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"
GET A LITTLE JOHN: THE TRAVELING URINAL HOLDS 2 1/2 BOTTLES OF BEER.
HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB
GEORGIA PEACHES CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.
NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE SLIGHTLY STAINED
FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT.
AMERICAN FLAG 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED $100
TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.
EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS -$175.
OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.
LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.
ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER
GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb.
CHRISTMAS HUMOR
The Night Before Christmas
Twas the night before Christmas - Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works.
I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night
The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter
They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money?
And the kids these days - they all are the pits
They want the impossible ...Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's - No request for them
They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM!
Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment
There's no Christmas this year...now you know the reason
I found me a blonde.. I'm going SOUTH for the season!
'Twas The Night Before Y2K
'Twas the night before Y2K and, all through the nation,
We awaited the bug--the millennium sensation.
The chips were replaced in computers with care
In hopes that old "bugsy" wouldn't stop there.
While some folks would think they were snug in their beds,
Others had visions of dread in their heads.
And Ma, with her PC, and I, with my Mac
Had just logged on the 'net and kicked back with a snack.
When, over the server there arose such a clatter,
I called Mr. Gates to see what was the matter.
But he was away, so I flew like a flash...
Off to the bank to withdraw all my cash.
When what, to my wondering eyes, should I see--
My good old Mac looked sick to me.
The hack of all hackers was looking so smug,
I knew that it must be the Y2K bug.
His image downloaded in no time at all.
He whistled and shouted, "Let all systems fall!
Go Intel, go Gateway, now HP, Big Blue,
Go everything--Compaq and Pentium, too.
All processors big, all processors small...
Crash away, crash away, crash away all!"
All the controls the planes need for their flight,
All microwaves, trains, and all traffic lights.
As I drew in my breath and was turning around
Out from the modem he came with a bound,
He was covered in fur and, slung on his back
Was a sack full of virus, set for attack.
His eyes--how they twinkled, his dimples--how merry,
His midnight approach, though, soon became scary.
He had a broad little face and a round little belly
And a sack full of virus that quivered like jelly.
He was chubby and plump, perpetually grinning.
I laughed when I saw him, though my hard-drive stopped spinning.
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head
Soon gave me to know a new feeling of dread.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work.
He changed all the clocks, then turned with a jerk.
With a twitch of his nose and a quick little wink
All things electronic soon went on the blink.
He zoomed from my system to the next folks online.
He caused such a disruption; could this be a sign?
Then I heard him exclaim with a loud hearty cry,
"Happy Y2K to all, kiss your PC good-bye!"
Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
12 Redneck Days of Christmas
12 pack of Bud
11 wrestling tickets
10 cans of Copenhagen
9 years probation
8 table dancers
7 packs of Redman
6 cans of Spam
5 Flannel Shirts
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 hunting dogs
and a part to a Mustang GT
Dear Santa...
You must be surprised that I'm writing to you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month, filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of rollerblades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. I'm not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighbourhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and with my neighbours. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity. What balls do you have leaving me a fucking yo-yo, a stupid whistle and a pair of socks? What the fuck were you thinking, you fat son of a bitch, that you've taken me for a sucker the whole fucking year to come out with some shit like this under the tree. As if you hadn't fucked me enough, you gave that little faggot across the street so many toys that he can't even walk into his house. Please don't let me see you trying to fit your big fat ass down my chimney next year. I'll fuck you up. I'll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you'll have to walk back to the fucking North Pole, just like what I have to do now since you didn't get me that fucking bike. FUCK YOU SANTA. Next year you'll find out how bad I can be, you FAT-SON-OF-A-BITCH.
Sincerely,
Little Johnny
The Twelve Days of Christmas
DAY ONE:
Dearest Bob,
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear
tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more
surprised.
With deepest love and affection,
Violet
DAY TWO:
Dearest Bob,
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine? Two
turtle doves!! I'm delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just
too adorable.
My everlasting love,
Violet
DAY THREE:
My Dear Bob,
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one! Now I actually must protest. I
don't deserve such generosity-three French hens! They are just darling,
but I must insist-you've been too, too kind.
All my love,
Violet
DAY FOUR:
Dear Bob,
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really they ARE
beautiful. But don't you think enough is enough? You are just being too
romantic.
Love,
Violet
DAY FIVE:
Dear Bob,
What a marvellous surprise! Today the postman delivered five gold rings.
One for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. To tell
you the truth, all these birds really squawk a lot and are getting on
my nerves.
Affectionately,
Violet
DAY SIX:
Bob,
Today the postman knocked and ran. When I opened the door there were
actually six geese-a-laying on my front steps. So, you're back on the
birds again. Those geese are huge! Where in the name of creation will
I keep them? The neighbours are complaining, rightfully so, and it is
impossible to sleep through this racket.
Now let this be the end of this.
Cordially,
Violet
DAY SEVEN:
Bob,
What the hell's with you and these fucking birds?!? Seven
swans-a-swimming? What kind of goddamn joke is this? There's bird shit
all over the house and they never stop with the racket.
Stop with this sadistic nonsense. This is not funny and I am very
unhappy.
Sincerely,
Violet
DAY EIGHT:
OK Pal ! !
WHAT IN THE SCREAMING HELL AM I GOING TO DO WITH EIGHT MAIDS-A-MILKING?
JESUS!!! I THINK I PREFER THE GODDAMN BIRDS! THE GODDAMN MAIDS-A-MILKING HAD TO BRING THEIR GODDAMN COWS. THERE IS COW SHIT ALL OVER MY LAWN AND BIRD SHIT ALL OVER THE HOUSE. I CANNOT MOVE MY FEET.
JUST LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE, SMARTASS.
DAY NINE:
LISTEN SHITHEAD ! !
YOU'RE A SADISTIC BASTARD! NOW I HAVE NINE PIPERS PIPING IN MY FRONT
YARD AND THEY ARE STANDING KNEE DEEP IN COW SHIT. THIS AFTER CHASING
THOSE MAIDS ALL NIGHT LONG. CONSEQUENTLY, UPSETTING THE COWS TO THE
POINT THAT THEY ARE STEPPING ALL OVER THOSE GODDAMN SCREECHING BIRDS. THE NEIGHBOURS HAVE STARTED A PETITION TO EVICT ME.
UP YOURS ! ! !
DAY TEN:
YOU ROTTEN PRICK ! ! !
NOW THERE'S TEN LADIES DANCING. I DON'T KNOW WHY I CALL THOSE SLUTS
"LADIES". THEY'VE BEEN BALLING THOSE GODDAMN PIPERS ALL NIGHT LONG.
NOW THE GODDAMN COWS CAN'T SLEEP AND THEY'VE GOT DIARRHEA! EVERYTHING HAS TURNED TO A RIVER OF SHIT ! !
THE COMMISSIONER OF ZONING AND THE BUILDING INSPECTOR HAVE SUBPOENAED ME TO GIVE JUST CAUSE WHY MY HOME SHOULDN'T BE CONDEMNED.
I'M CALLING THE POLICE ! !
I MEAN IT. BY GOD !
DAY ELEVEN:
LISTEN FUCKHEAD ! ! ! !
NEVER IN MY WILDEST IMAGINATION DID I EVER THINK THAT I WOULD BE WITNESS TO ELEVEN LORDS-A-LEAPING ON THAT MANY MAIDS AND "LADIES."
THEY TOOK THOSE BROADS LIKE GRANT TOOK RICHMOND-- AND THEY WILL NEVER WALK EXACTLY RIGHT AGAIN. I WASN'T THE ONLY WITNESS, BY THE WAY.
THE "60 MINUTES" CAMERA CREW AND STAFF ARE JUST NOW LOADING UP THEIR CAMERA AND EQUIPMENT ON A CHARTERED PLANE AND ARE RACING AGAINST TIME TO HAVE THE FIRST CHRISTMAS SPECIAL ON PAY TV.
FOR THE RECORD, ALL 23 OF THOSE GODDAMN BIRDS ARE DEAD. THEY WERE
TRAMPLED TO DEATH IN THE ORGY. AS GOD IS MY WITNESS, SOMEHOW, SOME DAY, I'LL GET YOU ! ! ! !
I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOUR FUCKING FACE AGAIN AS LONG AS I LIVE!
MISS VIOLET MONICA HABERSHAN
DAY TWELVE:
LAW OFFICES GOLDSTEIN, SILVERBERG AND O'REILLY
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge receipt of your latest gift of twelve drummers
drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict upon our client, Miss
Violet Monica Habershan.
The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come
to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss Habershan at the
Charter Glade Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot
you on sight!
With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Season's Greetings
Money's Short
Times are Hard
Here's your Fucking
Christmas Card
Yet another... Night Before Christmas
Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the house
everyone felt shitty
even the mouse
Mom at the whorehouse
and dad smoking grass
I'd just settled down
for a nice piece of ass
When out on the lawn
I heard such a clatter
I sprung from my piece
to see what's the matter
Then out on the lawn
I saw a big dick
I knew in a moment
it must be Saint Nick
He came down the chimney
like a bat out of hell
I knew in a moment
the old fucker fell
He filled all our stockings
with pretzels and beer
and a big rubber dick
for my brother the queer
He rose up the chimney
with a thunderous fart
the son of a bitch
blew the chimney apart
He swore and he cursed
as he rode out of sight
piss on you all
and have a good night
Have A Nice Christmas, Asshole
Santa's Dilemma
A beautiful innocent young girl wants to meet Santa Claus so she puts on a robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve. Santa arrives, climbs down the chimney, and begins filling the socks. He is about to leave when the girl, who happens to be a gorgeous redhead, says in a sexy voice, "Oh Santa, please stay. Keep the chill away." Santa replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, gotta go, Gotta get the presents to the children, you know." The girl drops the robe to reveal a sexy bra and panties and says in an even sexier voice, "Oh Santa, don't run a mile; just stay
for a while..."
Santa begins to sweat but replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know." The girl takes off her bra and says, "Oh Santa... Please... Stay." Santa wipes his brow but replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gotta go, gotta get the presents to the children, you know." She loses the panties and says, "Oh Santa... Please... Stay...." Santa, with sweat pouring off his brow, says, "HEY HEY HEY, Gotta stay, Gotta stay, Can't get up the chimney with my pecker this way!!!"
20 Ways To Confuse Santa Claus
1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."
7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.
8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.
9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.
10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa. :("
11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."
12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.
13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.
15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.
17. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.
18. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.
19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.
20. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."
How to Tell if You're a Grinch
This is the second of the essential personality tests to prepare you misfit readers for your New Year's resolutions:
1. You reuse last year's Christmas cards and send them out under your own name (5 points).
2. You steal light bulbs from you neighbour's outdoor display to replenish your own supply (5 points, 10 if neighbour's whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out).
3. You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer (10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points).
4. You put out last year's stale candy canes for children (1 point for each piece of sticky candy). If you put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa also, add 10 points.
5. You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Wal-Mart, or Kmart in a Bloomingdale's or other prestige box to impress your friends (5 points for each infraction).
6. You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas day (5 points, 10 if from a cell phone), claiming you are stuck in a phone booth..
7. At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies for later consumption at home (5 points; 15 points if you use this stuff for your own party).
8. You steal the wreath from a parked car to use on your own (Southern California only, others ignore: 5 points -- nobody but Angelenos are dumb enough to dress a car).
9. After an invitation to a friend's house, you bring a commercially produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as home made (5 points; 15 points if the fruitcake is from last year).
10. Any stealing from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins is a definite no-no (20 points).
Evaluate your score on the "Grinch Scale" from 20 to 100.
20-30: You are just a cheeseball.
30-50: You are an apprentice in Yuletide larceny and are probably
wanted by the police for overdue parking tickets.
50-100: Grinch, move over. The Meyer Lansky of Christmas crime has
arrived.
Christmas Physics
After many careful hours of painstaking research, I have compiled the most expansive physics experiment ever performed on Santa Claus. I hope you can give me the due credit when you show off your cute article. After all, it is my life, my thesis, my reason for existence on this blessed earth. Well, here is my inquiry into Santa Claus.
1. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to the Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there exists at least one good child in each.
3. Santa has 31 of hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky
27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each good child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariable described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.
5. 353,00 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously,
exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
In conclusion -
If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.
Christmas Survival Quiz
In this holiday season, the presents are under the tree, the good feelings are flowing... then the criminals kick into high gear and you have to see your family. Every bit of good is offset with a little bit of bad. Can you thrive and survive this holiday season? Take this quiz and find out.
PART I: THE NIGHT BEFORE X-MAS
1: When up on the roof there arises such a clatter, you...
A. Jump out of bed shouting "Santa's here!"
B. Jump out of bed shouting "What the %&!@ was that?!"
C. Grab a shotgun and start firing toward the sound of footsteps.
2: Finish this famous line from a X-mas tradition: "On..."
A. "a gada da vida."
B. "top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese..."
C. "Cupid, on Comet, on Donder and Blitzen!"
3: By the way, what is a Blitzen?
A. An incredible drink with five kinds of rum.
B. Isn't it that thing they serve with jam at a deli?
C. A reindeer, stupid!
4: If a fat man in a red suit gives you a wink and twists his head, this means...
A. He's Santa!
B. He's got a facial tick!
C. He's gonna show you the candy cane he's got hidden in his pants!
5: How do you answer when the kids ask you when Santa will come?
A. About thirty minutes after Mrs. Claus says she's in the mood.
B. Ever since he got hired by Microsoft... Easter.
C. When all the little boys and girls are asleep.
PART II: A FAMILY KIND OF X-MAS
6: It's December 23 and you finally realize you'd better buy some gifts. What do you do?
A. Rush to the mall. Since everyone else shopped early it should be fairly empty, right?
B. Rush to McDonalds and buy every book of gift certificates they have.
C. Rush to the liquor store. You can't go wrong with vodka!
7: If you want to have a peaceful visit, the best topic to discuss with Dad is...
A. Why you don't believe in God anymore.
B. Politics.
C. The weather.
8: When Mom starts asking those questions you really don't want to answer, you...
A. Turn red, start shouting, and leave the house in a huff.
B. Say "oh look, an elf" and hide while she's distracted.
C. Lie and hope she's had so much spiked eggnog that she won't remember a thing in the morning.
9: The family's singing "Deck The Halls." When you get to "Don we now our gay apparel," your bachelor uncle starts crying, then admits that for the past seventeen years he's been secretly living with someone named Don who is all alone tonight. You...
A. Tell him to invite Don over to join in the festivities.
B. Try to protect him from your father who is loudly pronouncing that God will punish him!
C. Start a fire in the kitchen to take everyone's mind off it.
10: The videotape to rent for the big family get-together this X-mas is...
A. It's A Wonderful Life... because they expect it.
B. It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown... because it's the only video left in the store.
C. ID4... because all the kids will side with you and the adults will give in rather than hear them whine.
SCORING THE QUIZ:
As always, the scoring is simple. 1 point for every A, 3 for every B, and 5 for every C. Tally up your points and consult the chart below.
10-22 Points:
In the words of Mr. T., "I pity the fool" who gets this score. You're in for a bad X-mas. We're talking a riding in the black van in "Twister" kind of X-mas. Then again, X-mas is supposed to be the time for miracles, but I wouldn't count on it.
24-38 Points:
You remember question #6? Read answer C, then buy yourself a gift too. You're going to need it.
40-50 Points:
You're at or close to the right mixture of distrust and dishonesty that will help you have a safe and sane X-mas. Just remember this final simple rule to help you get through it... It's not the gift itself that counts, but whether or not they kept the receipt.
Dear Santa,
You must be surprised that I'm writing to you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month, when, filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. I'm not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighbourhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and with my neighbours. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity. What balls you have leaving me a fucking yoyo, a lame whistle and a pair of ugly socks. What the fuck were you thinking, you fat prick, that you've taken me for a sucker the whole fucking year to come out with some shit like this under the tree. As if you hadn't fucked me enough, you gave me that little quiff across the street so many toys that he can't even walk into his house. Don't let me see you trying to fit your big fat ass down my chimney next year. Ill fuck you up. I'll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you'll have to walk back to the fucking North Poll, just like what I have to do now since you didn't get me that fucking bike. FUCK YOU SANTA. Next year you'll find out how bad I can be, you FAT COCKSUCKER.
Sincerely,
Little Johnny
A little girl goes to see Santa Clause at the local shopping mall. When she arrives and sits down on Santa's lap Santa asks "What do you want for Christmas little girl?". "I want a Barbie and a GI Joe" says the little girl. "But Barbie comes with Ken" Santa says, "No, Barbie only 'cums' with GI Joe!"
Twas the night before Christmas - Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works.
I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night
The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter
They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money?
And the kids these days - they all are the pits
They want the impossible ...Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's - No request for them
They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM!
Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment
There's no Christmas this year...now you know the reason
I found me a blonde.. I'm going SOUTH for the season!
'Twas The Night Before Y2K
'Twas the night before Y2K and, all through the nation,
We awaited the bug--the millennium sensation.
The chips were replaced in computers with care
In hopes that old "bugsy" wouldn't stop there.
While some folks would think they were snug in their beds,
Others had visions of dread in their heads.
And Ma, with her PC, and I, with my Mac
Had just logged on the 'net and kicked back with a snack.
When, over the server there arose such a clatter,
I called Mr. Gates to see what was the matter.
But he was away, so I flew like a flash...
Off to the bank to withdraw all my cash.
When what, to my wondering eyes, should I see--
My good old Mac looked sick to me.
The hack of all hackers was looking so smug,
I knew that it must be the Y2K bug.
His image downloaded in no time at all.
He whistled and shouted, "Let all systems fall!
Go Intel, go Gateway, now HP, Big Blue,
Go everything--Compaq and Pentium, too.
All processors big, all processors small...
Crash away, crash away, crash away all!"
All the controls the planes need for their flight,
All microwaves, trains, and all traffic lights.
As I drew in my breath and was turning around
Out from the modem he came with a bound,
He was covered in fur and, slung on his back
Was a sack full of virus, set for attack.
His eyes--how they twinkled, his dimples--how merry,
His midnight approach, though, soon became scary.
He had a broad little face and a round little belly
And a sack full of virus that quivered like jelly.
He was chubby and plump, perpetually grinning.
I laughed when I saw him, though my hard-drive stopped spinning.
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head
Soon gave me to know a new feeling of dread.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work.
He changed all the clocks, then turned with a jerk.
With a twitch of his nose and a quick little wink
All things electronic soon went on the blink.
He zoomed from my system to the next folks online.
He caused such a disruption; could this be a sign?
Then I heard him exclaim with a loud hearty cry,
"Happy Y2K to all, kiss your PC good-bye!"
Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
12 Redneck Days of Christmas
12 pack of Bud
11 wrestling tickets
10 cans of Copenhagen
9 years probation
8 table dancers
7 packs of Redman
6 cans of Spam
5 Flannel Shirts
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 hunting dogs
and a part to a Mustang GT
Dear Santa...
You must be surprised that I'm writing to you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month, filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of rollerblades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. I'm not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighbourhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and with my neighbours. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity. What balls do you have leaving me a fucking yo-yo, a stupid whistle and a pair of socks? What the fuck were you thinking, you fat son of a bitch, that you've taken me for a sucker the whole fucking year to come out with some shit like this under the tree. As if you hadn't fucked me enough, you gave that little faggot across the street so many toys that he can't even walk into his house. Please don't let me see you trying to fit your big fat ass down my chimney next year. I'll fuck you up. I'll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you'll have to walk back to the fucking North Pole, just like what I have to do now since you didn't get me that fucking bike. FUCK YOU SANTA. Next year you'll find out how bad I can be, you FAT-SON-OF-A-BITCH.
Sincerely,
Little Johnny
The Twelve Days of Christmas
DAY ONE:
Dearest Bob,
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear
tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more
surprised.
With deepest love and affection,
Violet
DAY TWO:
Dearest Bob,
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine? Two
turtle doves!! I'm delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just
too adorable.
My everlasting love,
Violet
DAY THREE:
My Dear Bob,
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one! Now I actually must protest. I
don't deserve such generosity-three French hens! They are just darling,
but I must insist-you've been too, too kind.
All my love,
Violet
DAY FOUR:
Dear Bob,
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really they ARE
beautiful. But don't you think enough is enough? You are just being too
romantic.
Love,
Violet
DAY FIVE:
Dear Bob,
What a marvellous surprise! Today the postman delivered five gold rings.
One for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. To tell
you the truth, all these birds really squawk a lot and are getting on
my nerves.
Affectionately,
Violet
DAY SIX:
Bob,
Today the postman knocked and ran. When I opened the door there were
actually six geese-a-laying on my front steps. So, you're back on the
birds again. Those geese are huge! Where in the name of creation will
I keep them? The neighbours are complaining, rightfully so, and it is
impossible to sleep through this racket.
Now let this be the end of this.
Cordially,
Violet
DAY SEVEN:
Bob,
What the hell's with you and these fucking birds?!? Seven
swans-a-swimming? What kind of goddamn joke is this? There's bird shit
all over the house and they never stop with the racket.
Stop with this sadistic nonsense. This is not funny and I am very
unhappy.
Sincerely,
Violet
DAY EIGHT:
OK Pal ! !
WHAT IN THE SCREAMING HELL AM I GOING TO DO WITH EIGHT MAIDS-A-MILKING?
JESUS!!! I THINK I PREFER THE GODDAMN BIRDS! THE GODDAMN MAIDS-A-MILKING HAD TO BRING THEIR GODDAMN COWS. THERE IS COW SHIT ALL OVER MY LAWN AND BIRD SHIT ALL OVER THE HOUSE. I CANNOT MOVE MY FEET.
JUST LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE, SMARTASS.
DAY NINE:
LISTEN SHITHEAD ! !
YOU'RE A SADISTIC BASTARD! NOW I HAVE NINE PIPERS PIPING IN MY FRONT
YARD AND THEY ARE STANDING KNEE DEEP IN COW SHIT. THIS AFTER CHASING
THOSE MAIDS ALL NIGHT LONG. CONSEQUENTLY, UPSETTING THE COWS TO THE
POINT THAT THEY ARE STEPPING ALL OVER THOSE GODDAMN SCREECHING BIRDS. THE NEIGHBOURS HAVE STARTED A PETITION TO EVICT ME.
UP YOURS ! ! !
DAY TEN:
YOU ROTTEN PRICK ! ! !
NOW THERE'S TEN LADIES DANCING. I DON'T KNOW WHY I CALL THOSE SLUTS
"LADIES". THEY'VE BEEN BALLING THOSE GODDAMN PIPERS ALL NIGHT LONG.
NOW THE GODDAMN COWS CAN'T SLEEP AND THEY'VE GOT DIARRHEA! EVERYTHING HAS TURNED TO A RIVER OF SHIT ! !
THE COMMISSIONER OF ZONING AND THE BUILDING INSPECTOR HAVE SUBPOENAED ME TO GIVE JUST CAUSE WHY MY HOME SHOULDN'T BE CONDEMNED.
I'M CALLING THE POLICE ! !
I MEAN IT. BY GOD !
DAY ELEVEN:
LISTEN FUCKHEAD ! ! ! !
NEVER IN MY WILDEST IMAGINATION DID I EVER THINK THAT I WOULD BE WITNESS TO ELEVEN LORDS-A-LEAPING ON THAT MANY MAIDS AND "LADIES."
THEY TOOK THOSE BROADS LIKE GRANT TOOK RICHMOND-- AND THEY WILL NEVER WALK EXACTLY RIGHT AGAIN. I WASN'T THE ONLY WITNESS, BY THE WAY.
THE "60 MINUTES" CAMERA CREW AND STAFF ARE JUST NOW LOADING UP THEIR CAMERA AND EQUIPMENT ON A CHARTERED PLANE AND ARE RACING AGAINST TIME TO HAVE THE FIRST CHRISTMAS SPECIAL ON PAY TV.
FOR THE RECORD, ALL 23 OF THOSE GODDAMN BIRDS ARE DEAD. THEY WERE
TRAMPLED TO DEATH IN THE ORGY. AS GOD IS MY WITNESS, SOMEHOW, SOME DAY, I'LL GET YOU ! ! ! !
I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOUR FUCKING FACE AGAIN AS LONG AS I LIVE!
MISS VIOLET MONICA HABERSHAN
DAY TWELVE:
LAW OFFICES GOLDSTEIN, SILVERBERG AND O'REILLY
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge receipt of your latest gift of twelve drummers
drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict upon our client, Miss
Violet Monica Habershan.
The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come
to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss Habershan at the
Charter Glade Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot
you on sight!
With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Season's Greetings
Money's Short
Times are Hard
Here's your Fucking
Christmas Card
Yet another... Night Before Christmas
Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the house
everyone felt shitty
even the mouse
Mom at the whorehouse
and dad smoking grass
I'd just settled down
for a nice piece of ass
When out on the lawn
I heard such a clatter
I sprung from my piece
to see what's the matter
Then out on the lawn
I saw a big dick
I knew in a moment
it must be Saint Nick
He came down the chimney
like a bat out of hell
I knew in a moment
the old fucker fell
He filled all our stockings
with pretzels and beer
and a big rubber dick
for my brother the queer
He rose up the chimney
with a thunderous fart
the son of a bitch
blew the chimney apart
He swore and he cursed
as he rode out of sight
piss on you all
and have a good night
Have A Nice Christmas, Asshole
Santa's Dilemma
A beautiful innocent young girl wants to meet Santa Claus so she puts on a robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve. Santa arrives, climbs down the chimney, and begins filling the socks. He is about to leave when the girl, who happens to be a gorgeous redhead, says in a sexy voice, "Oh Santa, please stay. Keep the chill away." Santa replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, gotta go, Gotta get the presents to the children, you know." The girl drops the robe to reveal a sexy bra and panties and says in an even sexier voice, "Oh Santa, don't run a mile; just stay
for a while..."
Santa begins to sweat but replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know." The girl takes off her bra and says, "Oh Santa... Please... Stay." Santa wipes his brow but replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gotta go, gotta get the presents to the children, you know." She loses the panties and says, "Oh Santa... Please... Stay...." Santa, with sweat pouring off his brow, says, "HEY HEY HEY, Gotta stay, Gotta stay, Can't get up the chimney with my pecker this way!!!"
20 Ways To Confuse Santa Claus
1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."
7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.
8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.
9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.
10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa. :("
11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."
12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.
13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.
15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.
17. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.
18. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.
19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.
20. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."
How to Tell if You're a Grinch
This is the second of the essential personality tests to prepare you misfit readers for your New Year's resolutions:
1. You reuse last year's Christmas cards and send them out under your own name (5 points).
2. You steal light bulbs from you neighbour's outdoor display to replenish your own supply (5 points, 10 if neighbour's whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out).
3. You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer (10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points).
4. You put out last year's stale candy canes for children (1 point for each piece of sticky candy). If you put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa also, add 10 points.
5. You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Wal-Mart, or Kmart in a Bloomingdale's or other prestige box to impress your friends (5 points for each infraction).
6. You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas day (5 points, 10 if from a cell phone), claiming you are stuck in a phone booth..
7. At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies for later consumption at home (5 points; 15 points if you use this stuff for your own party).
8. You steal the wreath from a parked car to use on your own (Southern California only, others ignore: 5 points -- nobody but Angelenos are dumb enough to dress a car).
9. After an invitation to a friend's house, you bring a commercially produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as home made (5 points; 15 points if the fruitcake is from last year).
10. Any stealing from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins is a definite no-no (20 points).
Evaluate your score on the "Grinch Scale" from 20 to 100.
20-30: You are just a cheeseball.
30-50: You are an apprentice in Yuletide larceny and are probably
wanted by the police for overdue parking tickets.
50-100: Grinch, move over. The Meyer Lansky of Christmas crime has
arrived.
Christmas Physics
After many careful hours of painstaking research, I have compiled the most expansive physics experiment ever performed on Santa Claus. I hope you can give me the due credit when you show off your cute article. After all, it is my life, my thesis, my reason for existence on this blessed earth. Well, here is my inquiry into Santa Claus.
1. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to the Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there exists at least one good child in each.
3. Santa has 31 of hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky
27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each good child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariable described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.
5. 353,00 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously,
exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
In conclusion -
If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.
Christmas Survival Quiz
In this holiday season, the presents are under the tree, the good feelings are flowing... then the criminals kick into high gear and you have to see your family. Every bit of good is offset with a little bit of bad. Can you thrive and survive this holiday season? Take this quiz and find out.
PART I: THE NIGHT BEFORE X-MAS
1: When up on the roof there arises such a clatter, you...
A. Jump out of bed shouting "Santa's here!"
B. Jump out of bed shouting "What the %&!@ was that?!"
C. Grab a shotgun and start firing toward the sound of footsteps.
2: Finish this famous line from a X-mas tradition: "On..."
A. "a gada da vida."
B. "top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese..."
C. "Cupid, on Comet, on Donder and Blitzen!"
3: By the way, what is a Blitzen?
A. An incredible drink with five kinds of rum.
B. Isn't it that thing they serve with jam at a deli?
C. A reindeer, stupid!
4: If a fat man in a red suit gives you a wink and twists his head, this means...
A. He's Santa!
B. He's got a facial tick!
C. He's gonna show you the candy cane he's got hidden in his pants!
5: How do you answer when the kids ask you when Santa will come?
A. About thirty minutes after Mrs. Claus says she's in the mood.
B. Ever since he got hired by Microsoft... Easter.
C. When all the little boys and girls are asleep.
PART II: A FAMILY KIND OF X-MAS
6: It's December 23 and you finally realize you'd better buy some gifts. What do you do?
A. Rush to the mall. Since everyone else shopped early it should be fairly empty, right?
B. Rush to McDonalds and buy every book of gift certificates they have.
C. Rush to the liquor store. You can't go wrong with vodka!
7: If you want to have a peaceful visit, the best topic to discuss with Dad is...
A. Why you don't believe in God anymore.
B. Politics.
C. The weather.
8: When Mom starts asking those questions you really don't want to answer, you...
A. Turn red, start shouting, and leave the house in a huff.
B. Say "oh look, an elf" and hide while she's distracted.
C. Lie and hope she's had so much spiked eggnog that she won't remember a thing in the morning.
9: The family's singing "Deck The Halls." When you get to "Don we now our gay apparel," your bachelor uncle starts crying, then admits that for the past seventeen years he's been secretly living with someone named Don who is all alone tonight. You...
A. Tell him to invite Don over to join in the festivities.
B. Try to protect him from your father who is loudly pronouncing that God will punish him!
C. Start a fire in the kitchen to take everyone's mind off it.
10: The videotape to rent for the big family get-together this X-mas is...
A. It's A Wonderful Life... because they expect it.
B. It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown... because it's the only video left in the store.
C. ID4... because all the kids will side with you and the adults will give in rather than hear them whine.
SCORING THE QUIZ:
As always, the scoring is simple. 1 point for every A, 3 for every B, and 5 for every C. Tally up your points and consult the chart below.
10-22 Points:
In the words of Mr. T., "I pity the fool" who gets this score. You're in for a bad X-mas. We're talking a riding in the black van in "Twister" kind of X-mas. Then again, X-mas is supposed to be the time for miracles, but I wouldn't count on it.
24-38 Points:
You remember question #6? Read answer C, then buy yourself a gift too. You're going to need it.
40-50 Points:
You're at or close to the right mixture of distrust and dishonesty that will help you have a safe and sane X-mas. Just remember this final simple rule to help you get through it... It's not the gift itself that counts, but whether or not they kept the receipt.
Dear Santa,
You must be surprised that I'm writing to you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month, when, filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. I'm not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighbourhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and with my neighbours. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity. What balls you have leaving me a fucking yoyo, a lame whistle and a pair of ugly socks. What the fuck were you thinking, you fat prick, that you've taken me for a sucker the whole fucking year to come out with some shit like this under the tree. As if you hadn't fucked me enough, you gave me that little quiff across the street so many toys that he can't even walk into his house. Don't let me see you trying to fit your big fat ass down my chimney next year. Ill fuck you up. I'll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you'll have to walk back to the fucking North Poll, just like what I have to do now since you didn't get me that fucking bike. FUCK YOU SANTA. Next year you'll find out how bad I can be, you FAT COCKSUCKER.
Sincerely,
Little Johnny
A little girl goes to see Santa Clause at the local shopping mall. When she arrives and sits down on Santa's lap Santa asks "What do you want for Christmas little girl?". "I want a Barbie and a GI Joe" says the little girl. "But Barbie comes with Ken" Santa says, "No, Barbie only 'cums' with GI Joe!"
CHEAP MEDICAL PLAN
You know you've joined a pretty cheap ass health plan when...
Pedal-powered dialysis machines.
Use of antibiotics deemed an "unauthorized experimental procedure."
Head-wound victim in the waiting room is on the last chapter of "War and Peace."
You ask for Viagra. You get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.
Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.
Exam room has a tip jar.
You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the instrument tray just before the anesthesia kicked in.
"Will you be paying in eggs or pelts?"
Tight budget prevents acquisition of separate rectal thermometers.
"Take two leeches and call me in the morning."
The company logo features a hand squeezing a bleeding turnip.
Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.
Covered post-natal care consists of leaving your baby on Mia Farrow's doorstep.
Radiation treatment for cancer patients requires them to walk around with a postcard from Chernobyl in their pocket.
"Pre-natal vitamin" prescription is a box of Tic-Tacs.
Chief Surgeon graduated from University of Benihana.
Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when you enter the trailer park."
Doctor listens to your heart through a paper towel tube.
Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is "an apple a day."
Only participating Physicians are Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine.
Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
Plan covers only "group" gynecological exams.
Preprinted prescription pads that say "Walk it off, candy ass."
To avoid a time consuming and expensive throat culture, the doctor just French kisses you.
Recycled bandages
You can get your flu shot as soon as the hypodermic needle is dry.
Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to goodwill last month.
24-hour claims line is 1-800-TUF-LUCK
Costly MRI equipment efficiently replaced by an oversized 2-sided copier.
Enema? The lavatory faucet swivels to face upward.
Pedal-powered dialysis machines.
Use of antibiotics deemed an "unauthorized experimental procedure."
Head-wound victim in the waiting room is on the last chapter of "War and Peace."
You ask for Viagra. You get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.
Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.
Exam room has a tip jar.
You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the instrument tray just before the anesthesia kicked in.
"Will you be paying in eggs or pelts?"
Tight budget prevents acquisition of separate rectal thermometers.
"Take two leeches and call me in the morning."
The company logo features a hand squeezing a bleeding turnip.
Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.
Covered post-natal care consists of leaving your baby on Mia Farrow's doorstep.
Radiation treatment for cancer patients requires them to walk around with a postcard from Chernobyl in their pocket.
"Pre-natal vitamin" prescription is a box of Tic-Tacs.
Chief Surgeon graduated from University of Benihana.
Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when you enter the trailer park."
Doctor listens to your heart through a paper towel tube.
Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is "an apple a day."
Only participating Physicians are Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine.
Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
Plan covers only "group" gynecological exams.
Preprinted prescription pads that say "Walk it off, candy ass."
To avoid a time consuming and expensive throat culture, the doctor just French kisses you.
Recycled bandages
You can get your flu shot as soon as the hypodermic needle is dry.
Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to goodwill last month.
24-hour claims line is 1-800-TUF-LUCK
Costly MRI equipment efficiently replaced by an oversized 2-sided copier.
Enema? The lavatory faucet swivels to face upward.
CA-CZ JOKES
CARTOON LAW I
Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation. Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over.
CARTOON LAW II
Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly. Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease.
CARTOON LAW III
Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter. Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the specialty of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.
CARTOON LAW IV
The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken. Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful.
CARTOON LAW V
All principles of gravity are negated by fear. Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.
CARTOON LAW VI
As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once. This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A 'wacky' character has the option of self-replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.
CARTOON LAW VII Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot. This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.
CARTOON LAW VIII
Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent. Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they re-inflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify. Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.
CARTOON LAW IX
Everything falls faster than an anvil.
CARTOON LAW X
For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance. This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of watching it happen to a duck instead.
CARTOON LAW XI
Cartoon characters never need to go to the hospital to receive first aid. Upon emerging from a huge scrap, the losing character will invariably be covered in crossed-over sticking plasters and bandages, and quite often be walking with the aid of a crutch.
CARTOON LAW XII
Cartoon characters do not obey the traditional laws of hair re-growth. Whatever the damage to a character, whether it be having all of its hair frazzled by an explosion or its fur shaved by a lawnmower, in the next scene the hair will doubtless be fully re-grown.
CARTOON LAW Amendment A
A sharp object will always propel a character upward. When poked (usually in the buttocks) with a sharp object (usually a pin), a character will defy gravity by shooting straight up, with great velocity.
CARTOON LAW Amendment B
The laws of object permanence are nullified for "cool" characters. Characters who are intended to be "cool" can make previously nonexistent objects appear from behind their backs at will. For instance, the Road Runner can materialize signs to express himself without speaking.
CARTOON LAW Amendment C
Explosive weapons cannot cause fatal injuries. They merely turn characters temporarily black and smoky.
CHEAP PLAN JOKES CLICK HERE
CLICK TITLE : CHRISTMAS HUMOR - CLASSIFIED ADS -
CNN GAMES - COMPUTER - CONFUSIUS - COW ECONOMY -
CRAZY LAWS
Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation. Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over.
CARTOON LAW II
Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly. Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease.
CARTOON LAW III
Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter. Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the specialty of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.
CARTOON LAW IV
The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken. Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful.
CARTOON LAW V
All principles of gravity are negated by fear. Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.
CARTOON LAW VI
As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once. This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A 'wacky' character has the option of self-replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.
CARTOON LAW VII Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot. This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.
CARTOON LAW VIII
Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent. Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they re-inflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify. Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.
CARTOON LAW IX
Everything falls faster than an anvil.
CARTOON LAW X
For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance. This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of watching it happen to a duck instead.
CARTOON LAW XI
Cartoon characters never need to go to the hospital to receive first aid. Upon emerging from a huge scrap, the losing character will invariably be covered in crossed-over sticking plasters and bandages, and quite often be walking with the aid of a crutch.
CARTOON LAW XII
Cartoon characters do not obey the traditional laws of hair re-growth. Whatever the damage to a character, whether it be having all of its hair frazzled by an explosion or its fur shaved by a lawnmower, in the next scene the hair will doubtless be fully re-grown.
CARTOON LAW Amendment A
A sharp object will always propel a character upward. When poked (usually in the buttocks) with a sharp object (usually a pin), a character will defy gravity by shooting straight up, with great velocity.
CARTOON LAW Amendment B
The laws of object permanence are nullified for "cool" characters. Characters who are intended to be "cool" can make previously nonexistent objects appear from behind their backs at will. For instance, the Road Runner can materialize signs to express himself without speaking.
CARTOON LAW Amendment C
Explosive weapons cannot cause fatal injuries. They merely turn characters temporarily black and smoky.
CHEAP PLAN JOKES CLICK HERE
CLICK TITLE : CHRISTMAS HUMOR - CLASSIFIED ADS -
CNN GAMES - COMPUTER - CONFUSIUS - COW ECONOMY -
CRAZY LAWS
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)